Europe

Tuesday morning I got dressed, put on my scarf and jacket, threw my hair up in a somewhat sloppy, yet somewhat stylish looking ponytail and went out. My mission was clear: Bring back bread and juice. I smelled a wonderful little store on the street corner. "Bonjour. deux croissants et jus. Et un bagette. Merci. Au revoir" I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror. A stylish looking girl carrying a bagette. I felt so Parisian. It's sad to leave such simplicity; but reflectiong on this past week lights up my eyes and makes me smile.

Amsterdam

After traveling all day; Dana and I finally arrived in Amsterdam Wednesday morning. Despite it's chilling winds, the city is beautiful. The arcitecture, the canals, people sitting outside of cafes having their morning breakfast. Amsterdam certainly has it's charm. We walked through the Anne Frank Huis; which was just mesmorizing, and chilling. We saw the Van Gough museum and marveled at his paintings while learning about how Van Gough came to be as an artist. We did what most American tourists do, and went into a coffee shop to make a purchase. Bicyclists rule the street and smoking inside is allowed. Amsterdam is absolutely gorgeous.

Then the sun went down and the red lights came on.

With our hostel being located in the middle of the red light district, there was no avoiding it. As Dana and I walked through the crimson lit streets we noticed that we were the only women not behind a glass door. Herds of men window shopped up and down the streets. Dana and I tried to encourage some of them to buy something or leave the market; almost as though we earned a commission. I think one guy walked by us and asked up "how much?" but I'm not sure. I was absolutely fascinated by the Ladies of the Night. Young, old, fat, skinny, white, black, eager, bored-They have a wide variety to choose from. Their behavior behind the glass door was just as interesting as I'm sure their resume is. Usually, the younger girls acted as if they didn't know they were being looked at. Their eyes would wander so not to make eye contact. Some ladies were bored. I suppose any job will make you feel bored at some point. My favorite were the ladies who just didn't care anymore. They just let it all out there. They didn't care if they got a hundred offers or none at all. Before I continue, I must inform you that Dana & I had been drinking pretty consistantly from about 5pm. We talked, we laughed, we bonded. It was delightful. Now back to the Red Light District. We walked by Amsterdam's Moulin Rouge: A Live Sex Show. The guys at the door were trying to get us to go in. "Girls, girls! Get some culture! 25 euros and you'll get 2 free drinks!" Dana looked at me and said with hesistation in her voice..."What do you think?" I looked her straight in the eyes with all the confidence a drunk girl could have (which is a lot) and said, "Let's do this."Oh, the things we saw. We stumbled into the club with an act in progress. The, let's just call her a "dancer," was performing a striptease to an audience member she had brought up on stage. Shen then got a vibrator -prop dancers pssshah- and began playing with it near the audience member. I didn't believe she was really pleasing herself. I'm being so critical- Let's move on to act number two. Dancer number was ugly. She was. There's just no way of covering that up. Her act consisted of four audience members eating a banana from various parts of her body. I guess that's one way to get your helping of potassium. Then came the main event: A couple having sex onstage. Not only did the pair have sex, but it was choreographed to music. The show started all over again. We see a dancer we missed from the eariler show. She's wrapped in ribbon. As a lad from the audience pulls the ribbon, she becomes naked. You would think that the ribbon would end, but it didn't. There must have been a spool in her cooch because it just didn't stop! Then the acts were repeated. When the banana lady came back she asked Dana and I to join her onstage. "Fuck it, why not?" We sat there onstage with two other participants as the dancer stripped. Then came the banana. She held the banana betwixed her legs and told me to take a bite. I did. I didn't want to be rude and I do need more fruit in my diet. We left the club after that. Really, what else could top that? We left the venue in absolute hysterics. We went in search of more fun.

Back at prostitute lane, there were many prospective buyers. We saw a few windows closed-someone sealed the deal. I noticed a number above one of the doors. Was this a reservations line? Perhaps a customer service number? Dana and I started talking with two gentlemen from Olso. We encouraged them to make a purchase. "Which one do you want? Come on, you're in Amsterdam!" One of the guys said he gave a girl 50 euros and she took it without doing anything. I pointed to the number on the wall, "You need to call that number and speak to a manager, or someone in customer service! You paid for a service and you should be entitled to it!"

Dana and I made it back to the hostel around 2am, and had one more shot before bed. The next morning was our last day in the city. I couldn't help but walk around the city with a huge, dopey grin on my face. You know that grin; the same one you have after an amazing night of sex. Yes. I had an amazing night of passion with Amsterdam and I felt great! I was sad to board our train to Paris.

We rode the 4 hour train ride in style... Okay... not really. We had a wheel of cheese and a box of Triscuts. Delicious my friends! We were suppose to be met at the train station by my cousin Justin, but he wasn't feeling well, so his wife Sophie met us instead. Paris is beautiful at night. The next day Dana and I went to go explore the Cattacombs. "Closed for Alterations." What? Are they putting more dead bodies in there? Lame.

Paris certainly wasn't as thrilling as Amsterdam, but it was wonderful. Justin was an excellent guide to the city, not just for geography problems, but for history of the city as well. It was great talking about our crazy family and getting another's perspective on it. Dana and I spent most of our time eating. Yes. Bagettes, cheese, crossiants, wine, tequila...okay maybe that last one isn't so "French" but still delightful.

Now, I had written all of this on a Tuesday. Tuesday we were suppose to leave.

We didn't.

See, getting the great deals I get for flights as an employee of an airline, there are some drawbacks. Mainly... we fly standby. I checked the flight loads before we left and they were fine. Plenty of seats were available. But Tuesday they didn't have the Airbus plane... There was an aircraft swap and so they had a smaller plane. Meaning they went from extra seats, to being overbooked. No hope. We took the train back to Justin and Sophie's place and found a hostel that had room. Okay... Tomorrow.

Wednesday we did the same routine. Got up early, went to the train station, waited at the airport. Dana and I joked that this was our sick version of "Ground Hog's Day."

Well since the day before was overbooked, they had standbys for this new flight. Another aircraft swap! We were seatless again. Back to the hostel, hoping there was room... there was.

One more time now.

Yes. Finally! A seat!!! We have seats on this plane!!! Never have I been more excited to go to Philadelphia!!! As Dana and I waited for seats to S.F. we saw many other people waiting on standby. They all have proirity over us. They had two seats left and everyone else were in parties of 3 or 4. "We're a party of 2!!!!" We were in!!! Not so fast. There was a party of 1. I pleaded with him, saying that we were stuck in France for 2 days, and that I had work the next day at 6am. All true. He had none of it. He boarded. One seat. I asked that if I took that last seat if they could assure me that Dana could get home the next day, no problems. (When you fly with a friend, they have to travel with you... but they were saying I could have the seat...) They said they'd list her for tomorrow morning. I gave Dana my phone, since her's was dead, told her to call my parents to explain, and I boarded. I felt like shit the whole time on the plane. I was so worried about Dana making her flight. I hoped that they didn't misunderstand me when I asked if she could fly without me. At work today I asked the airline if she was on the plane. She was. *SIGH* What a relief! Finally the trip is OVER!

We definetely had an amazing time, and couldn't imagine having the trip I did anyone but Dana. We're awesome! We totally got 5-10minutes out of this trip too!

my heart hurts.

Have you ever had something that just felt so right; everything about it is just absolutely perfect...except the timing.




It sucks.




My heart hurts. It's a hurt I've never felt before. I cried. I cried a good long time. Maybe I was making up for all the other times I felt I should be crying and didn't. I now realize that I'm more involved than I thought I was; than I admitted.







It started as such a wonderful morning. Being wrapped in his arms, though a new experience, felt like I'd been accustomed to it for years. Our fingers naturally interlocked without hesitation. I would have unplugged all the clocks I could find just on the off chance that it might make time stop. I looked over for a minute and thought, "I could wake up like this everyday."




It pains me to know that I'll never wake up to that.



There are movies about a guy who's engaged and his guy friends take him out for a crazy night. While out with his buddies, he meets a girl at the bar. This girl amazes him. She opens his eyes to exciting, new ideas and experiences. She makes him feel like a better person. He finds that he wants to spend his free time with this new girl. He now has a dilemma; Stay with the woman who he's been with for years, who he has a history with; or see where this exciting new woman can take him, and see what becomes of it.




He always stays with his fiancee.




I'm the girl at the bar.

I never want to be the girl that comes between to people on purpose. The girl who consciously makes moves on a guy who's taken. I wouldn't want that to happen to me. Why would a girl do that to another girl? But for a brief moment, I understood why some girls do that. Maybe if something happens, he'll realize what I've known all along.







He won't. It's possible, just not probable.







Until now, I didn't realize how much of my heart was invested. I thought it was something I put behind me. Over the course of a year I had been with another person; almost started dating another. It would have seemed as if I had moved on. Looking back on it now, I see that they were beautiful distractions. I couldn't think about him if there was someone else kissing me, and I didn't.



Logically, I feel that I should immediately find someone new; like I'm an addict replacing one bad habit with a less harmful habit. Find someone else to give me butterflies. Find someone else's arms to be wrapped in. My heart though, my heart doesn't want someone else to give me butterflies. My heart wants me to be wrapped in his arms.



The mind and the heart, though share the common goal of wanting what's best for you, are very different. The mind can tell you, "You know, this just isn't going to happen, get over it, and move on." But, and not to sound cliche, "The heart wants what it wants." The heart drives you to do things you never thought possible all in the name of passion. It's what makes people go the distance, and overcome any obstacle that comes their way. Now your mind and your heart are dueling. Your heart says you want him, but your mind says you can't have him. "Why?" "Because I said so." That's not a good enough reason for the heart. As if my thinking isn't already screwed up enough, I now have to deal with this!



I was just reading through what I had already written, and just noticed that I have yet to use the word, "love." I've never been in love. I think to be in love, somebody needs to be in love with you in return. What I'm feeling now, I'm not quite sure what it is. I don't think it's love, I think it's a start; it's the start of something that maybe the absolute greatest. What hurts is that I'll never know. Not knowing what this feeling is capable of being crushes me. The unknown is so powerful. It makes you create illusions of a wonderful life. How amazing would my life be if it went this way? And even though you don't know if that amazing life will happen; even if the possibilities are slim; even if, nothing in your life has gone right; the possibility of something great happening by going into the unknown, is worth the journey. I would much rather try and be disappointed than never know at all.



I may have just contradicted myself.

Since No One is Interviewing Me...

What did you have for breakfast? Cookies. I didn't work today, so I sort of bypassed breakfast.
Who do you love? My best friend. My family. I'm not "in love" with anyone though.
Where were you born? Oakland. That makes me automatically hardcore.
Where are you? My bed. Jealous?!
Where do you wish you were? I don't know...I'm pretty comfy...
Are you happy with your life? So far so good. It's definetly on a good path.
Do you cry a lot? No. I used to, but in the last few years it's been harder for me to do that.
Do you make people angry? Probably. I don't like people, so I give the attitude.
Do you like who you are? Yeah. I'm pretty awesome.
Are you random? Sometimes.
Do you like the cold? No. Not at all. Although, I do look adorable all bundled up.
Do you like the heat? Yes. I actually like humidity!
Aren’t thunderstorms awesome? No. They are scary. They're only awesome if you have someone to be with...
Do you like to walk in the rain? Sure. I just don't like my socks to get wet.
Isn’t walking in the leaves romantic? How is that romantic? No. No it's not.
Do you have any one in mind that you want to walk in the leaves with? No. I don't want to walk in leaves at all. Can we jump in a raked pile of them? That's a good time.
Do you like expensive things? Depends on what it is... I'm not very materialistic though.
Have you been called a slut before? So much that I think Joe N. think it's my first name.
Did it bother you? Nah.
Why do you smile? Because a happy thought enters my brain and that sends a signal to my face to make me smile.
What makes you smile? A lot of things. Friends, fond memories...
Do people asking you too many questions in a row bother you? Depends if the questions are annoying and/or stupid...or creepy.
Why? uh... seriously?!
Do you like cameras? Yeah. I'm a fan.
Do you like taking pictures? I do. I haven't taken any in a while... Just too busy I suppose.
What is the weather like outside? Cold and dark. I guess "dark" isn't a weather related term..but I'm not a meterologist, so whatever.
Are you happy you are alive? Yeah. Are you trying to talk me into something?
What or who makes life worth living? The people in your life.
Do they feel the same about you? I'd hope so.
Do you like looking up at the stars? No. They don't do anything. They just shine there.
Ever wanted to go into a black hole thinking it may take you back in time or forward in time? No.
Ever thought you were in love? Yes. It wasn't, but God, did it hurt.
Do you like puzzles? I do. I like those mosaic puzzles. I'm so good at them. I'm like a genius!
How about word searches? I'll do them, but I'm not addicted.
Do you like coloring? I do! It's quite theraputic. You become so focused on coloring in the lines, it clears your mind.
Can you stay in the lines? Yup!...sometimes...
What do you like better, colored pencils, crayons, or markers? I like using markers to outline and pencils to shade in... I'm artsy.
Can you type fast? I can. This took me 3 seconds to type.
What have you been labeled? Smart, ditzy, slutty, a goody goody, those are opposites... interesting...
Do you want to move? Yes!
If yes where do you want to move to? San Francisco right now...
How come? Because that's where everything is happening.
Do you think the one you love is taking you over? I don't think I'm in love with him... but he has consumed my thoughts. I wonder if it's reciprocated.
Are you a geek? I'm more of a dork.
Are you good at math? I'm hella good at basic algebra. I kind of like solving algebra problems...see...dork!
Are you good at history? Not so much. I should be. I'm the product of two history majors.
Are you good at English? Yeah. I'm fluent.
Are you good at science? Nope.
What other languages do you speak? High school spanish. iHola! Mi llama es.... Donde esta el bano?...puta.
Can you count in them? uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco, ses, sienta, ocho, nueve, dias. like a rockstar!!!
Do you think you are a nice person? I'm a very nice person!
What is the worst pain you’ve ever felt? Beside emotional heartbreak? Gallstones. That or the complication that occurred after my surgery.
Where is your favorite place to be? Anywhere with friends.
Do you want to die? I think eventually I will...only because if you live forever, everyone you love eventually dies...
What did you have for lunch? mickey d's. I'm healthy.
What do you have in your cup/bottle? pepsi.
Do you smoke? nope
Do you drink? yup.
Do you like swimming? nah.
Have you ever swam in the ocean? I have... not all its cracked up to be.
Swam on the waves? waves do tend to be in the ocean.
Was it fun? eh.
Have you ever walked out on the break water to a light house? what? I don't understand... no.
Ever been inside the light house? nope.
Ever climbed rocks? I think so....but it was not premeditated.
Was it fun? no. I'm sure I was holding on for dear life.
Who did you do it with? I don't know.
Did they have fun? Probably not. I was probably whining the whole time.
Do you like the ocean? We're back on the ocean? It's pretty to look at. That's it.
Why? Cause I don't like getting wet, the water's cold, and sand. Sand gets everywhere!
Name two people you miss really badly: Allison, Chris, and Kristi. I know that's 3 but um...I don't care.
Where are they? Arizona, Florida, Florida
Have you lost any one close to you? My dog.
Ever witnessed some one dieing? :( my dog
Do you know who it was? wow... yes
Ever been to any funerals? yes
Do you like funerals? no. they are sad.
Are you morbid? no...but I think you are.
Do you know what the word Exodus means? If so explain: Isn't that a part of the Bible?
Do you know what the word Eccentric means? If so explain: Isn't it being random, or risky...
Do you know what the word Solitude means? If so explain: It means that you're really good at Solitaire.
Do you think you are smart? Smarter than a 5th grader...booyah!!!
What grade are you in? I'm a high school graduate with some college... BITCH!!!
Do you want to go to college? nope.
What do you want to be? Funny
Do you have a job? Yes
Do you like it? Yeah
Do you get along with your boss? So far so good.
Do you get along with your parents? For the most part.
Do you have any siblings? Yes
Do you get along with them? My sister is 16...it's a complex relationship. My younger bro yes, the other...no.
Have you ever been in a fist fight? No, But I kinda wanna be in one. I want to see if I've got a "nice right hook"
Have you ever gotten detention? nope
Have you ever been suspended? in-house suspension...Intimidated?!Have you ever been expelled? Nope
How many nicknames you got? Nobody calls me by nicknames anymore.
What are they? Kellkerson, Kiwi, Kewee... I think that's it.
Who gave them to you? Friends.
Have you ever passed out from being drunk? I passed out from being tired, from drinking and staying up late.
Have you ever had sex? yes.
If yes who was your first? some lame-o
If no who do you want to be your first? If I could do it over again... Jake Gyllenhaal.
What is your worst habit? Nail biting.
Do you have any animals? Nope.
Are you cold? A little chilly.
Are you happy? Overall...yes... At this moment... I'm a bit torn.
Are you sad? A little. Okay, more than a little, not quite a lot.
Are you confused? YES!!!
What time is it? 23:10 that's right...military time!!! What What?!
When do you have to go to bed? Whenever I wanna!
Do you believe in magic? In a young girl's heart.
Do you have your own room? Yes
How many windows are in your room? 1
What size bed do you have? a twin? I guess I could fit another one of me on here.
Do you do your own laundry? yup.
Do you want to get married? I do. I mean, yes.
Do you want kids? Yeah.
Do you like doing surveys? It's something to do. I think that if I didn't, I wouldn't be doing this.
Is any one mad at you? Not that I know of.
What is bothering you right now? A boy. Why he did what he did. What's his angle?!
Who do you truly hate? Hate really is strong... but... Jessica Simpson.
Does any one like you? Probably...no.
Are you shy? I am when with people I don't know.
Have you ever asked any one out? yes
What’s your relationship status? single
What is your sexual orientation? straight
What color is your room? baby blue.
What color is your bathroom? moss green
How many times have you moved? 6 times. (most were in the same town)Do you like clowns? No.
Do you like cheerleaders? I dislike them more than clowns
Do you like preps? eh
Have you ever had heat stroke? no...?
Do you like going to the beach? eh.
Who is the last person you went to the beach with? Hmmm... I couldn't tell yeah.
Who is the last person you went to the movies with? Megan
Do you hear voices? Yes... it's from my TV.
Do you see dead people? No.
Do you like to blow bubbles? Eh.
Have you ever eaten any bubbles? They make candy bubbles.
Do you like unicorn horns? Just the horns? no.
Don’t they taste good? What?
Do you like candy apples? Yes
Do you like cotton candy? Delicious!
Do you enjoy fairs? I end up spending way too much on a game to win a prize that costs less than what I paid to play.
Do you like playing with fire? I'm sure if given more opprotunities, I could have become a little pyro.
Have you ever been in an ambulance? nope
Have you ever had stitches? yes
Have you ever had any ex-rays? How do you spell "x-rays" wrong?! Yes.
Ever had to have surgery? Yes.
Who or what were you named after? No one.
What is in your nightstand draw? Lots of things!!! Snail-mail supplies, cds, random docs...
What is your favorite scent? fresh baked cookies. boys also smell good too...sometimes.
What is your favorite perfume? Smelly by Kelly!!! I like bottles with a puffer. That's cool
What is your favorite store? New York & Co.
Where did you get your clothes you are wearing? Disneyland and Santa.
Do you like to go to the mall? Not really.
What do you fear? Failure and being completely alone
What did you have for supper? Tacos
What is your full birth day? October 1st, 1986
At what time were you born? 12:59am
How old are you? You can't do the math? 21. Geez I have to do everything for you!
Where do you currently live? Pacifica, CA
Do you live near the coast? This IS the coast.
What is your favorite month? October
What is your favorite season? Christmas
What is your favorite holiday? Halloween
What is your favorite time of day? Afternoon
What is your lucky number? 14
What is your favorite food? Pasta
What is your favorite non alcoholic drink? Soda
What is your favorite alcoholic drink? hmmm... Daquris
What is your favorite band? I'm diggin' Panic at the Disco right now.
What is your favorite kind of music? All kinds. I HATE country and hard core rap.What is your favorite color/s? Orange
Did you enjoy this survey? It did pass some time.

How One Year Changed My Life

A year ago, I had no idea what I was in store for.
A year ago, I had no idea I’d change my life.
A year ago, I started my new career as a stand up comedian.

WHAT?!

If someone had told me that this would be my life, I would have scoffed at them in disbelief.

I went from having the worst year of my life, to the best.

Let’s rewind.

January 2006.

I had just moved back home from Florida. I had spent an amazing six months living in Orlando, working for Disney World, and making wonderful, lasting friendships.
I missed my new friends, my job (the perks: free admission!), and the freedom of having my own place. I was looking forward to seeing my friends from home again. I had many myspace comments, all similar: “When are you coming home?! We have to hang out!”
I finally came home, and besides my family, the most excited person to see me was Megan, my co-worker from the hardware store. She was the only one who continuously kept in touch with me while I was away.

Just some notes about Megan, at this particular point in my life.
Megan and I have known each other since middle school. I hung out with a small group of girls, and one of them hated me. Who knows why… but she did, and she recruited Megan to “get rid” of me. So in middle school, Megan was a bitch to me. Once we were in high school, we really didn’t see each other much. Maybe a class or two together, honestly, I don’t remember seeing her that much. Something happened by senior year. I’ll never forget this. It was the first day of senior year, and after school a few of us went to a local park. Megan and I had to use the restroom, so we walked over together. On the way back she confessed to me, “I just want to apologize about being mean to you in middle school. I was trying to make friends and Megan (that was the other girl… I went to school with like eight different Megans.) said I could hang out with her if I got rid of you, and since I didn’t know you, I agreed. I really regret that, because you’re really cool. You’re one of the coolest people I know. I’d really like to be friends with you.” Wow. To this day, that is probably the most amazing thing anyone’s ever said to me. We began bonding more and more, mostly because we were both casted in the school’s murder mystery dinner, and the spring play. We spent a lot of school time together. By the end of senior year, I was hired by ACE Hardware. I was taking Megan’s job, as she went to go try out a new job. She tried it, she hated it, and she came back. Not even a year after my employment there, I was accepted to the Walt Disney World College Program. 6 months in my Mecca. I was truly sad about leaving all my friends, but I knew I was coming back. I left Megan a note at work, filled with inside jokes. In some weird way, our friendship benefited, no, bloomed while I was across the country. We sent snail mail back and forth. I’d send her little gifts, and she’d said me notes on office supplies, like ‘Please Pay Cashier’ tags. There were a few days I was able to get off of work from and flew home. (I had tickets to see ‘Wicked.’ I wasn’t missing out on that.) Besides my family, no one knew I was coming home. It was so hard to keep the secret contained, but I did it. I drove to Megan’s house and called her while I was standing outside her door. “Hey, it’s me; could you do me a favor? Could you open your door?” “What?” “Just open your front door.” The door opening was followed by the best reaction ever. Publisher’s Clearing House has never seen a reaction like this. Anyway, my point is, Megan and I weren’t friends for all that long considering how long we actually knew each other.

What about my other friends?

I met up with them, some of them a few times, some just once. I tried to see them on multiple occasions, but my phone calls were not returned. Eventually I stopped trying. I didn’t realize that six months could change so much. Why were my friends not my friends anymore? I thought they wanted to see me.

My new friends were across the country, and my old friends weren’t returning my phone calls. I was back living under my parent’s roof. My freedom was gone. I became depressed. I didn’t want to do anything. I went to work, I came home, and that was my life. One of my friends from Florida came to San Francisco for a week, and I picked him up from the airport and drove around. We had a good time. But during his stay he wanted to hang out again. I did too. I did. But I was too depressed. I felt so bad about flaking out on him. I just couldn’t step outside. I hated myself. I hated my life. I didn’t understand why my life had turned out the way it had. I felt abandoned.

My life has completely turned around since then.

Fast forward to February, 2007.

I needed a creative outlet. I had taken an improv workshop at B.A.T.S. the previous summer, and I needed something more. I remembered a Comedy College website. I came across it in my search for an improv class, but because I had always felt uneasy in the big city, I opted with the B.A.T.S. class, since it was located near the Exploratorium; not as scary. I revisited the website. Stand-up comedy classes. I briefly flirted with the idea of stand up comedy my first (and only) year of college. I read that it was good to be familiar with all kinds of comedy, so I thought I might give stand up a try. One of my essays in my English class was about humor, and I told my teacher that I was into comedy, and he asked me to do some stand up for the class. I was nervous, and excited, and ditched my other classes to spend time in the café to write. I knew were my priorities were. The only joke I remember telling was about wanting to be in a sorority.

“I wanted to join a sorority here, so I could move out of my parent’s house. But San Francisco has outlawed sorority houses as whore houses. That’s not fair; whores need a place to live too! Otherwise you have whores on the street. I’m sorry; my family asked me not to talk about them.”

Stand up comedy classes seemed like a good idea. I sent an email to ask about signing up for classes. I remember pressing the “Send” button and feeling like I was doing something good. I had no idea what I was in for.

It was the first day of the beginner’s class and I didn’t know what to expect. The first day of anything always makes me anxious. I was the first one there. I’m very punctual. I hate being late. I was greeted by Richie, who I had only known through emails. He gave me my necessary papers, and made small talk with me. I remember making some small joke and then thought to myself, “Should I be making jokes? I don’t want to seem like a show off, or a kiss ass, or like I’m trying too hard to be funny.” Neurotic, I know. I was anxious to see who else would be taking a class as unique as this. And the teacher, what on earth could he be like? I sat there listening to Kurtis talk about his comedy career, the school, and what the class would be like. I was inspired. I felt at home. “This is good,” I thought. “I’m supposed to be here.” I paid for my classes immediately. I had the money in cash (oh how I miss having cash), and I was on my way.

What? Homework? Come up with a punch line for this premise? I couldn’t do it. I’d read the workbook, and I just didn’t understand the structure of a joke. “How am I going to do this? Is it possible to flunk out of Comedy College?” Those thoughts danced in my head as I tried to come up with anything that made sense. After two classes, I did what none of my classmates had done; I signed up for the Saturday open mic.

March 17th. St. Patrick’s Day. I was excited to be on a stage again, even if just for three minutes. I waited in the green room with the other comics, waiting for the show to start. A comic came up to me and asked me my name. He introduced himself as Kenny Altman. He never mentioned what that thing on his head was. It wasn’t quite a yalmulka. This catholic girl was a bit bewildered, but didn’t let that distract me from the conversation. He asked if this was my first time. Performing stand up on stage? Yes. This was a first. He assured me that I’d be fine, and that I’d have a great set. To which I replied, “You haven’t seen my set yet.” Megan was unable to attend the show, but her brother in-law and my co-worker Kevin came with his girlfriend, Alex. Kevin filmed, while Alex took pictures. I was sitting in the audience, anxiously awaiting my turn. I soon realized that all of the performers were entering from the right side of the stage. I was seated on the left. I spent a good minute deciding on how I would get from one side of the room to the other without disrupting the show. Laziness won that battle. I stayed put. Soon enough, it was my turn. I was welcomed onstage by cheers and applause, a sound I had missed so much. I noted my dilemma about being seated on the left side of the stage, and then proceeded with my first joke.

“Happy St. Patrick’s Day. I’m wearing green, as you can see, cause I can’t go out drinking, cause I’m not 21. So that’s kind of a bummer. So I wear green, and I pinch people who don’t. Which is lame right? It’s weak. We’re Irish; shouldn’t we be punching people in the throat?”

Laughter followed. That was it. I became a slave to the stage.

It’s been a year of comedy for me, and it’s treated me well. I’ve never written more than I have this last year. I’ve revamped some monologues I wrote in high school, like The Maury Show, and Smelly by Kelly. I’ve taken lines I made up in conversations with friends and turned them into bits for my act, like Drunk Stacey, and the 1930s Booty Call. I’ve drawn on my own (yet few) experiences to humorously talk about how I dropped Jesus in church, and how my mom warned me about the dangers of rufies at the age of 11. And during this year I have met amazing, wonderful people I am proud to call my friends and fellow comedians. I can honestly say there isn’t another group of people I would want to drunkenly fall off of a stage in front of. You’ve become my second family. I was taken aback by all the concern about my health this past holiday season. Thank you. It is truly a wonderful feeling knowing that others care about you and your well-being. I don’t think I ever told anyone, but I there was a brief period of time during my time being sick, where I started thinking about a grim, short future. You think about that kind of stuff when the doctor’s don’t even know what’s wrong. Okay, so I also watch a lot of “House.” I digress. What snapped me out of it was comedy. I had a show in just a few weeks. Like hell I was going to miss another opportunity to be on stage again! You all have been so wonderful to me, and I hope that I have been just as wonderful to you all in return. What a brilliant beginning of a magnificent journey this is turning out to be. The future looks bright. Cheers!

religion

I don't understand religion. If you practice a religion, and you have faith, well that's awesome. I mean it. That's really cool. I, myself, could just never get into it.

I grew up Catholic and went through Holy Confirmation in high school. Why go through a ceremony claiming your faith, when you don't really believe in the Catholic church? My parents wanted me too. My brother refused to go through with his Confirmation, and as a result, there were numerous arguments in my house. I didn't care either way, so I opted to make my parents happy.

Now my sister is being confirmed and I am her sponsor. I go to these meetings and it's hard for me. As a comedian, I want to be sarcastic and crack jokes. As a person, I don't want to be offensive, rude, or condescending. Example; we were supposed to talk with our candidate about how we communicate with God on a daily basis. "Text messages, of course!" That's what I immediately thought. I don't communicate with God on a daily basis... not even a semi-annual basis. What am I supposed to say? I just sat there the whole time restraining myself from being rude. I really do respect those that have faith, I do. My instinct to deliver a punchline was hard to fight. But I did it.

There are things about this religion I do not agree with. At this last meeting all of the candidates were going to go to confession. Before they individually went to go confess their sins, they had the priest name some sins, and after each one everyone in the church was to reply, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned." (something along that line, I can't remember the exact words) Well thanks for assuming that I did all of those things. I thought that religion was supposed to be about faith, not guilt. They have a lifestyle they expect Catholics to live by, yet they just assume that they aren't abiding to them. I just feel that its very contradictory.

I don't remember the last time I was at church. I was supposed to go for Christmas, but I was sick, and at work. Whenever I go to a mass, I suddenly get a severe case of ADD. I can never focus on what the priest is saying. I look around at the other people there and try to decide if they are truly getting anything out of the sermon. I wonder what they are thinking. Then I wonder if anyone can read my mind. "If there is someone reading my mind, could you stop. Or if it's possible read someone else's mind and report back to me."

I sometimes wonder if I'm a bad person because I can't get onboard the religious train. Maybe it's just not for me. Maybe there's a different religion that I can connect with better. Maybe there just isn't a religion for me.

Religion is about faith; believing. I believe that I'm living a good life. I believe that, despite some of my choices in life, I'm a good person. I believe that that's what should matter.

really

This entry took me a while to complete. I feel it's ready to share.


When I was in high school, I never really stood out. I wasn’t smart enough to be considered smart. I wasn’t athletic enough to be considered an athlete. And I wasn’t pretty enough to be considered a catch. I wasn’t even bland enough to be considered invisible by my peers.

The girls that I hung out with in high school always seemed to be attached to a boy. Their relationships would last anywhere from two weeks to two years, and no matter how long they lasted, their world revolved around their relationships. I never understood their need to be with their boy friends twenty-four/seven, their numerous fights about nothing, or why, if they weren’t happy with their guy, they stayed together. They made relationships seem so complicated, when if you could just step back and see the whole picture; you could realize it doesn’t have to be so difficult. Maybe they’d realize you can have a healthy balance between your boyfriend and your friends.

I had numerous crushes throughout those four years, but only a few of them made me absolutely melt. I would somehow always man up the courage to tell the boy on my mind that I liked him. Never would they feel the same about me. One rejection caught me so off guard, I felt my heart break. I felt it break and I didn’t know if it would ever be whole again. I was so convinced that this time was different. This time, he would feel the same way I felt. This time… this time would be my time. I’m still waiting for that time to come.

Friends would ask me why finding a guy was so important to me. It’s quite simple really. I have so much to give, and no one to receive it. I want to experience sharing your life with someone. I want to find someone who I can completely be myself with and enjoy the little things in life. Life is an adventure and to have someone journey with you in a deep, meaningful way would just maximize the thrills.

I could never understand why guys didn’t want to date me. Was I not pretty enough; not skinny enough; not out going enough? Did I dress too conservatively? Could I not carry an interesting conversation? Was I just absolutely repulsive? I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. My friends would tell me how wonderful I was, but how could I believe them? Your friends could tell you a million times that you’re amazing, that you’re gorgeous, and that any guy would be lucky to be with you; but at the end of the day, month, or year, those kind words are just that. They’re words. Without action, they are empty. That is how a 15 year old girl thinks, or at least, that is how I did. I felt I was plain, and uninteresting because no one made me feel special.
Today, I can stand up and proudly say: I am special. I can say I’m worth something. It took me a long time to really appreciate myself as I am. I don’t need someone else to define me. I know I’m awesome, and if someone else can’t see that, then they aren’t worth my time impressing. I am worth being appreciated as I am. If no one else is going to tell me I’m great, then damnit, I’ll say it! No longer do thoughts of self-doubt plague my mind. No longer do I rely on others to boost my self-esteem. I’ve stopped questioning myself, and I am just living my life as the person I want to be; the person I am now.

V-Day

It only seems right that the one day I finally have time to sit down and write out my thoughts would be on Valentines' Day. It's nothing special. I don't get paid double time at work, so it's not a holiday. I'm too jaded, bitter, and cynical to loathe my lonesomeness on this one day. Besides the low prices on candy, I can't stand the Valentines' Day merchandise. The only thing worse than that is all of the "Anti-Valentines' Day" crap.

"Send your friends an Anti-Valentines' Day card."
"Download the top 20 Anti-Valentines' Day songs."
"Celebrate 'Singles Awareness Day'."

All you're doing is bringing attention to Valentines' Day as if it has some significant spiritual meaning when all it is, is a Card day.

Do what everyone else does: Sit at home with Ben & Jerry, watch The Notebook and cry your eyes out, because Noah LOVES Ally! He Loves Her! And that pint of Half Baked ice cream really does fill that hole in your heart the way a hooker can't!!!

I digress...

You shouldn't just wait for this one day of the year to tell the one you love that you love them. Tell them all year. Show them all year.