Feed from the Fear

"What scares you the most?"

My number one fear used to be, being alone. Never finding anyone share my life with. Dying without sharing that bond. That was back in high school when I thought being in a relationship was the most important thing, just because all my friends were in long-term relationships. Since then I've come to terms with how my life is. It's not that scary to me anymore.

So what scares me the most? Letting everyone down. Even myself. I'm not sure if it would be harder to let everyone else down, or myself. I'm sure I can't do one without doing the other. I get so much support from friends and family. They have so much faith in me, that if in the end, I can't follow through, I would feel horrible. Not only for myself, but for them too. Sorry you wasted all that time believing that I was going to make something of myself.

When I think about myself, and where I want to go, and what's out there for me, I get this feeling in my gut, this feeling that there's something great waiting to happen to me. I can feel that someday I'll be so much more than what I am now. I feel that the past year, and the few to come are the stepping stones to a fantastic journey that I can't even comprehend. And as powerful, and wonderful as that feeling is... what if I'm wrong? Then what? All this time I thought something great was going to happen, and it didn't. Instead of receiving feelings of pride, and joy, it would be pity, and disappointment. It hurts my heart a bit to think of it that way. But if I keep thinking positively, then I can't go wrong!... right? I am so sure about this feeling, and I'd hate to be proven wrong.

There was a time where I was doubting myself, and a friend gave me a piece of paper that he always had with him. He said it was for me.

You have the ability to
attain whatever you seek,
Within you is every potential
you can imagine.
Always aim higher than you
believe you can reach.
So often, you'll discover
that when your talents
are set free by your imagination,
you can achieve any goal.

If people offer their help or
wisdom as you go through life,
accept it gracefully.
You can learn much from those
who have gone before you.
But never be afraid or hesitant
to step off the accepted path and
head off in your own direction,
if your heart tells you that it's
the right way for you.

Always believe that you will
ultimately succeed at whatever you do,
and never forget the value of persistence
discipline and determination.
You are meant to be whatever
you dream of being.

'Tis the Season... Already?!

I've been wanting to update for a while, but I've just been busy! Saturday was my first paying gig! Not your typical show. Me and the boys went down to Santa Cruz Boardwalk; specifically the mini golf. It was a fundraiser, and the original idea was that we were going to be interviewed, and then auctioned off to be caddies for the mini golfers. It wasn't quite set up to a way where we could do that, so we just got microphones and harassed the mini golfers, and commented on the prizes being auctioned. It was a lot of fun. I'm not sure which was more fun; that, or the mini road trip. It was a good time.

Sunday was my premiere in the Gays & Dolls show -I was a feature!!! That too was a lot of fun. We had an audience of 9, but they were great! Also, it's a really great place for me to pick up guys... wait...

This week I have Un-Lady Like on Friday. My headliner had something come up and had to cancel, but it's all taken care of. Aundre the Wonder Woman is headlining now. Much thanks to Melissa for helping me out.

Saturday is the show at my old high school. That should be good. Hopefully everyone involved will benefit from it. The high school, and the SFCC. I'm trying to promote the new Teen Classes, as well as our normal classes and shows. ::Reminder- sign up for Marketing classes::

I went and saw Fred Claus last night. I liked it. It wasn't bad. It's a Family Christmas movie... you know what you're getting. But I still enjoyed it. It totally got me in the Holiday mood. I don't like being this excited about the season, this early in the game. I just want to bake cookies, deck the halls, and hang up some mistletoe! Screw Thanksgiving, right? I just want it to be December.

I also want to be in New York too. Being in New York in December, just sounds fun. I don't like the cold weather, but I do like the way I look all bundled up in winter wear. You take the good with the bad. I'm thinking that maybe after Christmas I'll take someone with me for a quickie trip. Check out the city, go ice skating in Rockerfeller. I'm getting excited, I should stop daydreaming... I mean, it's a trip that very well could happen. I do have an IN with the airline biz.

We'll see.

Minesweeper Champ

Recovering from surgery sucks. I can't do anything. I just have to stay at home and play minesweeper. Which, by the way, I've won 10 times. I'm serious. It has a counter on it showing how many times I've won. And it's the 99 mine version. Yeah... that's a lot of time wasted. I went to work yesterday. I couldn't even do anything there. I'm on light duty. I can't even pick up extra hours. I need the extra hours. I'm going to work part time at the hardware store again. It's one of the many new adult decisions I've been making. I'm doing this because I have to, not because I want too. It really is nice to know I have a job there when I need one. The extra income will certainly help me out. My car insurance doubled, and I have the monthly car payments. That's a lot. I don't want to talk about money.

My body hurts. I don't like being limited like this. I don't like being weak. I can't even laugh without being in pain. It's hard to do a lot of things. This is lame.

I'm going to get a sandwhich.

Home from Surgery

I'm home from my surgery... My stomach hurts... I'm not a doctor or anything, but I think it's because they took out my gallbladder...

my mom kept checking on me, and she'd always leave by saying..."If you need anything, 'Holla'."

That makes me smile.