The Jenny Logs

It's 7:16pm and I'm hungry. Really hungry. Like, the only way I feel I could fix my hunger is by getting multiple plates full of buffet food. The thing is... I can't. I cannot eat anymore today. It is not allowed, for you see, I am on a diet. Not just a diet, but a paid diet. I signed up for Jenny Craig. Even typing that was embarassing for me. It shouldn't be embarassing though right?! I have a lot of complexes with this. For one, I'm asking for help, not a favor, but help. The other, most prominent reason I have a problem with this is because of a 5th grader. My weight/body was just fine when I was a kid, yet the fat girl in class would call me fat. Yes, the fat girl called me, a fit 10 year old, fat. They didn't teach pyschology to 5th graders, so I had no idea that she was projecting her emotions onto me...and why me, I'll never know. Among other taunts, she would call Jenny Craig, give them my information, and a consultant would call my house asking for me. What a bitch right? So I have some complex about doing their diet program. I'm sure I'll get past it, but I don't like announcing it.

So how's it going... It's Week 1, Day 4. I feel like I spend all day eating my planned meals, but I'm never full. I never realized how much I rely on chocolate to get me through the day. The meals and snacks are set at 1500 calories/day... if I'm still hungry after 1500 calories, how much was I consuming before?

I do like how I don't have to think about what I'm going to eat. It's all planned out, and my meals are just a conventional oven away. Also, I can have all the sugar free Jello I want! JEALOUS!?

Monday I go in to get my next week's worth of food and to check in with a consultant. We'll see what Week One has brought me.

Impossible to be Adult.

"Why don't you grow up?" We've all heard that line at least a few times before. Eventually, we all do grow up; in our own ways. You're still a prankster, but you have a 401K. You still watch cartoons, but you let your kid decide which cartoons you watch. You may still play video games, but you make sure the electric bill is paid on time so you can continue your "Call of Duty." We grow up in various aspects of our lives, except for one…Dating.

Why is it that we can never escape the antics of a fourteen year old when it comes to dating? I thought I was supposed to get past all of that nonsense. The idea of dating screws with our brains so badly that we don't think; it blinds us, and we make bad choices. When I started middle school my friends were all in the same class and I was in a class where I virtually knew no one. I had the option to switch to the class my friends were in. Did I take the rare opportunity? No. A boy I had a crush on was in my friendless class, and I chose to stay so I was guaranteed to see him every day. Two days after my decision he switched classes. The lesson: Never give up something for a "just a boy." He was "just a boy." He wasn't the love of my life, he wasn't my boyfriend; hell, he wasn't even my friend: He was Just a Boy. Lesson learned right? Wrong.

I would continue to make the same mistake in hopes that this time it would be different. Different boy, different situation: same results.

As my friends and I dived into our teen years, they progressed with boys. They had someone with whom they would slow dance, kiss, could call their boyfriend. I don't know what exactly made me want all of this so much. It could have been me trying to imitate my friends, or me trying to imitate TV.

The sitcoms of the early 90s geared towards my generation showed us what TV producers thought being a teenager was all about. TV told me was that I would be a complete person once I found my better half. Saved by the Bell taught me that if I was pretty, I'd be popular and have boys fighting over me all the time. Boy Meets World showed me that I would only have to date one guy to find my soul mate well before graduation. Even Alvin and the Chipmunks gave the impression that I would have a male counterpart that was just like me. The T.G.I. F. line up gave me hope, that I too could find happiness in the form of a boy. Why wouldn't I want my life to emulate theirs? The biggest problem Kelly Kapowski had was trying to decide who to date: Zack Morris or AC Slater. Topanga was able to be loved for who she was by Cory, despite how weird she was. Their lives were great. As a kid I couldn't wait to get to high school and get asked out by guys with letterman jackets, and spend my college years with my fiancé. It seems a little farfetched, but with the right team of writers, you can make that happen! Unfortunately for me, my writers were on strike. There were no dates with football players. No childhood sweethearts. I didn't even have a dorky neighbor who pined for me despite my dislike for him. My life never felt whole, and it seemed that it was all because I was dateless. The evidence was in my face every day. My friends spent every minute they could with their boyfriends- and appeared to be happier because of it. My conclusion seemed simple: A boyfriend equaled happiness (that's probably why you'll never see teenaged lawyers. No Doogie Howser, Attorney at Law).

My interaction with guys has never been balanced. I was the first girl on my dad's side of the family, and the second on my mom's side. Before my sister came along, I was the only girl (besides my cousin Kathy who I rarely saw) among two brothers, and a total of six cousins. Again, pre-my sister's existence, I was in the middle of two boys. If I was going to make friends with my bloodline I had to keep up with their activities. If a girl could impress a boy on his terms, you had a friend. I played Nintendo, baseball, football, and became a sniper with a super soaker. I was always striving to be one of the boys, just so I could fit in. When I began school I didn't know anybody there. I remember asking these two girls if I could play with them and they said no. I think I would have been a pretty out going kid, but I never really had friends before, so I think the rejection made me the shy kid I turned out to be. I also believe that this is another factor into why I generally tend to be friends with more guys than girls. Girls are bitches, even in Kindergarten. So as I worked my way through grade school, I became an interesting tomboy. I was a killer kickball player and learned how to spit. I didn't have a Barbie doll or play house. Despite all of that, I wanted a different kind of attention from boys. I wanted them to like me, like me. I always had a crush on one boy or another. I don't know if it was because I was fickle, or if I was just improving my odds. I was friends with a small group of boys and a couple of girls. We'd play a game where the boys would chase us and try to catch us. It was always thrilling to have a boy chase after me. It was a mix of, "I don't want to get caught." And, "I hope he doesn't stop coming after me." Looking back, isn't that the perfect description of dating? The game usually ended one of two ways for me: The chaser would get bored and chase one of the other girls, or, he would catch me and then that would be it. The thrill would be gone and he'd move on. I didn't know it at the time, but this little game was a preview of what some might call my love life.

Technically, I've had a few boyfriends. When you're twelve, this is how it works: Boy likes Girl. Girl likes Boy. Girl tells friends that she likes Boy. Friends tell Boy that he should ask out Girl. Boy asks Girl out. It's now official. Two weeks go by and the two have little to no contact. Boy tells Girl's friends that he wants to break up with Girl. Girl's friends break the news.
It's quite dramatic. That's pretty much how it happened. There was no magic, no sparks, and no chemistry. They all seemed more like two businesses merging together rather than two crazy kids falling for each other.

In retrospect, I believe, I "dated" one boy simply because his twin was dating my best friend; the stuff teen movies are made of! He dumped me after two weeks because he liked one of my friends; a blow to my self-esteem. I would soon get past this. For a whole month, I had a boy whom I could call, My Boyfriend. I was thirteen and couldn't have been happier. Finally, my time was here! It was cute. He was my first kiss, we'd talk on the phone, make fun of lame people we'd see when we were out. It was adorable for middle school standards. Then came the break up. My fantasy of finding my soul mate was ruined. This never happened to Topanga!

Let's fast forward to high school. Once dating became a norm, it never occurred to me that a guy would talk to a girl simply because he just wanted to talk to her. My thinking was, "Oh he talked to me, he must like me!" Again, I had numerous crushes; I still can't distinguish if it was due to fickleness or increasing my odds. I would somehow get the courage to tell a guy that I liked him. Were we not in an era where girls could say what they thought? Did Seventeen magazine not say guys liked a girl who could make the first move? I was just following the advice of the media!

Each rejection felt worse than the last. It was never a matter of getting over it; it was about figuring out what was wrong with me. What am I doing wrong and what are the other girls doing right? Every time I'd tell myself that I wouldn't let myself get wrapped in a guy so easily again. I couldn't allow myself to continue to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. I always did though. My logic was: What if I guarded my heart and I missed out on what could be a great relationship? This guy might be different. In the end, I'd cave in to the "What Ifs." The guy would never be different from the last.

Why would I continue to do this to myself? Why was finding a relationship so important to me? It could have been so I could fit in with my friends. They all had long term relationships throughout high school; it would have been nice not to have been the odd man out. Maybe it was because my friends took their relationships for granted by cheating or using them for gifts, and I knew that I deserved to be in a relationship more than they did. Perhaps having a boyfriend was so vital because the media was telling me that I wasn't getting a true high school experience without having a boyfriend. Whatever the case may be, I continued to make the same choices.

I became so negative about myself. My personality was dull, my body was undesirable, and my face wasn't pretty enough. I concluded that those were the reasons for the years of rejection I faced. There came a point to where I was tired of hating myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally tired of hating the person I thought I was. If someone didn't like me, oh well. That's their problem, not mine, because I'm an awesome person. If you can't see that, then I don't want to know what else you're not seeing. Once I started focusing on me, and not who I could be with another person, my life started falling into place. A boy wasn't going to get me the career I wanted. A boy wasn't going to get me a cool apartment. I was going to do all of that for myself.

I've become very independent (except for the apartment thing… but I'm working on that!). I know who I am, and I'm comfortable with myself. I would like to find a guy who likes me for me. Yes, I get lonely at times, but I'm passed all of that teenaged nonsense right?

I've had a few dates in my young adulthood. I've told myself that I would be adult about them. I wouldn't play mind games. I would be honest about my feelings, and not jump to any rash thinking or behavior. If those were laws, I'd be in jail. I couldn't stop analyzing: "When is he going to call me?" "Is it bad if I call him first?" "Why hasn't he sent me a message?" "Why didn't he talk much at dinner?" "Has he changed his status?" "Does he remember I'm alive?" "Why did he stop talking to me?" I would never get a real answer, so of course I came to believe that I was the reason. He doesn't like me, there's something about me that repulsed him.

Why did I retreat to the ways of a teenager? Will I ever escape this cycle? Looking back on these prospects, it's safe to say that, "Hey, it just didn't work." Maybe there just wasn't any chemistry. Maybe the guy wasn't ready for dating. It happens. I wish I could keep my logic close to my heart, but I have yet to find a way to do this.

Every person has wants. Everybody wants to be loved. I think that because the want for love is strong, it takes over our brain. We want it so much that our emotions get involved, and if this was a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors- Emotions would beat Logic.

Nobody can completely grow up. We can't escape the adolescent ways of dating. We will always get butterflies in our stomach when that certain someone calls. We will always wonder what we can do to keep them interested in us. And we will always second guess our decisions, wondering if they will help or destroy the relationship we are trying to create, because when it comes to something we want, our emotions are in control, just as they were when we were fourteen.