I'll Hurt the Show...

So I found something I probably wasn't supposed to find, but I did. When you see your name on paper, you can't help but read it. Why am I mentioned? Once I saw who was involved in the exchange of words, I knew what it was about.

I got booked for a show a while back, and apparently, unbeknownst to me, it upset a few people. They felt I was not worthy of a spot in the show. The spokesman for the group said, "Kelly... has not earned her shot...and it's going to hurt your show." "...Kelly McCarron is not ready for a Punchline audience. I promise you...she will hurt the show."

Why say my whole name? That puzzled me. You've already established that I'm the one who you're talking about. Adding my last name- that makes it, in the eyes of the writer, a cold concrete fact. I found that interesting.

"...(booking Kelly) it's foolish, it put a SEVERLY bad taste in the mouths of others..."

That's fine. Really. I've known about this for a while now; though seeing the words on paper- that's a bit different. I was really mad that I had let this get to me. It didn't hit me til about a month after that show happened. It wasn't what was said, have your opinions, it was that I let my performances be affected. Everyday I'm getting better. No one can deny that.

By the way, I had a good set that night, and a lot of the audience came to me afterwards and told me they enjoyed it.

Please, continue to root against me. Tell me I can't do it. Let me know what you really think.

It makes me more determined.

Too Close to Home

When a person keeps a wild animal as a pet, they eventually have to let the animal go. Monkeys. Sure, it would be super cool if you had a pet Monkey, but that monkey will become an adult. It's natural instincts will kick in. You can't keep it domesticated. The monkey will become violent and lash out at you. It has nothing to do with you. You've loved the monkey, took good care of the monkey. You've done all you can. Now it's time to let the monkey go. Set the monkey FREE!



I'm the monkey. Gosh, I do love my metaphors! I am so tired of living at home, yet I can't do anything about it now. I have no money. That makes it hard. It's worse because I know what it's like to live in your own place. I miss my apartment in Orlando. Coming and going as I please. No one asks me questions. Walk around scantily clad. I could have who ever I wanted over, whenever I wanted. It was great! That was 3 years ago. And I can't just pack up and move to middle of nowhere USA where rent is super affordable. I've established the beginning of a life here. My job, my stand up, my friends. This is where my life is. It's just so expensive and I don't make enough money. The job I have now, sure it isn't Great Pay, but the benefit of flying for free-That's Amazing! It's hard. I don't like this. Can't Obama become president and make everything affordable?! Isn't it supposed to work like that? I feel bad that my family is the target of my short temper. I want to be treated like an adult, but since I live at home, they don't see me as an adult. I shouldn't have to say where I'm going. I'm leaving the house-later! I don't feel the need to tell every detail of my day. Only if something important happens will I share.

My sister and I are total opposites. She tells my mom EVERYTHING. I give her information on a need to know basis. She's always happy, cheerful, and positive. I'm bitter, jaded, and have learned about disappointment. She can't take sarcasm and gets offended way too easily. I dish out the sarcasm. She has her friends over all the time. I rarely got to have friends over, and when I did, my mom would say I could have two over. I guess I need a professional to decide why I feel so tense around my sister. Is it simply because she's 16, and I can't stand teenagers as a whole; or is it because her and her friends remind me of the kids I went to high school with- the kids that thought they were better than me- and use this as a chance to get back at them?
I don't hate my sister; please don't get that impression. She's a good kid. She's 16 and isn't partying, or getting knocked up. I guess I just don't understand her. We have different ways of thinking. A great example; listen to comedian Kathleen Madigan's CD "In Other Words." She talks about her and her sister being opposites- it's pretty much the way we are.

Wow, you couldn't have guessed that this post went from Monkeys to my desperation to move out, to the relationship between my sister and myself. But it did.

How Could it Get Worse?

I don't claim to be a fashion guru. I don't know what color is "in" this season. I could care less if you wear white after Labor Day. But there are somethings... just so horrid, I don't know how a person could let themselves go so far.

I saw a man wearing socks and sandals.

Sandals were made with the intent of not wearing socks. Don't mess it up with socks! That's like wearing a beanie under your visor.

But that wasn't enough for some people. No. Someone had to create *gulp* Crocs.

Yes. Crocs. Not only does the name not sound appealing, but have you seen them?!

Yet still, someone had to take it a step farther... just when you thought it was safe to go to the boardwalk, someone's wearing: Socks 'N Crocs!

Though I don't condone the hideous footwear, I would hope that the American people would have the common sense to not wear socks with them. This is a crime and people should be fined.

Okay so now our paylesses have been infected with crocs. I guess it can't get any worse. Unless...

Yes Unless someone decides to create an item so useless, so dumb, that the Crocs customers could only buy into it.

Jibbitz.

Some guy in a business meeting said, "You know those holes in the Crocs, what are they for?"
"Nothing really."
"Well what if we got something to stick in them, and have stars, and clouds, and cartoon characters on them."

AND someone said, YES. That's a GREAT idea!

Jibbitz are like charms on a charm bracelet, but for the holes in your Crocs.

Crocs and Socks and Jibbitz, Oh FUCKING My!

Some may argue for Crocs...

They're comfortable, they're accessible, they're convienent...

SO WERE FANNY PACKS!

Crocs are the New Millenium's Fanny Pack

I suppose they're okay for children, but they are not something for adults.

The next time you think, "Hey, I think I'll try a pair of Crocs out." Imagine yourself wearing a fannypack, and never getting laid again.

The Interactive Story

There are interactive story books for kids. You read so much of the story, and then you choose what happens next. "You're at a fork in the road, go left or right?" If you choose left, you go to a certain page, and continue your story. Choose right, you go to a different page on a different journey. Now with these books, you can read them multiple times. You can cheat and read ahead to see what happens in both options. When life hands you two choices... you can't foresee what happens as a result of your decision. Decisions are tough. Pondering what might have been, can be heartwrenching. I wonder; is there some alternate universe where someone is reading my story, and choosing my paths for me? Choosing for all of us. I suppose some would argue that person reading is God. I would disagree. If it would have to be a variety of people, or lifeforms, reading our stories. Reading, and being in control; making our lives wonderful, tragic, humerous, or safe. It's out of my hands. Right? I'd hate to think that I'm missing out on anything grand. I should stop questioning myself. I made a small decision a year ago, and it's propelled me to a level that I thought I would never achieve. If it's not me, someone's doing something right.

I find this stuff FUNNY