my heart hurts.

Have you ever had something that just felt so right; everything about it is just absolutely perfect...except the timing.




It sucks.




My heart hurts. It's a hurt I've never felt before. I cried. I cried a good long time. Maybe I was making up for all the other times I felt I should be crying and didn't. I now realize that I'm more involved than I thought I was; than I admitted.







It started as such a wonderful morning. Being wrapped in his arms, though a new experience, felt like I'd been accustomed to it for years. Our fingers naturally interlocked without hesitation. I would have unplugged all the clocks I could find just on the off chance that it might make time stop. I looked over for a minute and thought, "I could wake up like this everyday."




It pains me to know that I'll never wake up to that.



There are movies about a guy who's engaged and his guy friends take him out for a crazy night. While out with his buddies, he meets a girl at the bar. This girl amazes him. She opens his eyes to exciting, new ideas and experiences. She makes him feel like a better person. He finds that he wants to spend his free time with this new girl. He now has a dilemma; Stay with the woman who he's been with for years, who he has a history with; or see where this exciting new woman can take him, and see what becomes of it.




He always stays with his fiancee.




I'm the girl at the bar.

I never want to be the girl that comes between to people on purpose. The girl who consciously makes moves on a guy who's taken. I wouldn't want that to happen to me. Why would a girl do that to another girl? But for a brief moment, I understood why some girls do that. Maybe if something happens, he'll realize what I've known all along.







He won't. It's possible, just not probable.







Until now, I didn't realize how much of my heart was invested. I thought it was something I put behind me. Over the course of a year I had been with another person; almost started dating another. It would have seemed as if I had moved on. Looking back on it now, I see that they were beautiful distractions. I couldn't think about him if there was someone else kissing me, and I didn't.



Logically, I feel that I should immediately find someone new; like I'm an addict replacing one bad habit with a less harmful habit. Find someone else to give me butterflies. Find someone else's arms to be wrapped in. My heart though, my heart doesn't want someone else to give me butterflies. My heart wants me to be wrapped in his arms.



The mind and the heart, though share the common goal of wanting what's best for you, are very different. The mind can tell you, "You know, this just isn't going to happen, get over it, and move on." But, and not to sound cliche, "The heart wants what it wants." The heart drives you to do things you never thought possible all in the name of passion. It's what makes people go the distance, and overcome any obstacle that comes their way. Now your mind and your heart are dueling. Your heart says you want him, but your mind says you can't have him. "Why?" "Because I said so." That's not a good enough reason for the heart. As if my thinking isn't already screwed up enough, I now have to deal with this!



I was just reading through what I had already written, and just noticed that I have yet to use the word, "love." I've never been in love. I think to be in love, somebody needs to be in love with you in return. What I'm feeling now, I'm not quite sure what it is. I don't think it's love, I think it's a start; it's the start of something that maybe the absolute greatest. What hurts is that I'll never know. Not knowing what this feeling is capable of being crushes me. The unknown is so powerful. It makes you create illusions of a wonderful life. How amazing would my life be if it went this way? And even though you don't know if that amazing life will happen; even if the possibilities are slim; even if, nothing in your life has gone right; the possibility of something great happening by going into the unknown, is worth the journey. I would much rather try and be disappointed than never know at all.



I may have just contradicted myself.