meh-the analytical follow up

I've been in a self-loathing mood. I think that deep down, I find it hard to believe that people like me. I think that I'm annoying people right now. I don't know... it's just the vibe I'm getting. I feel like I'm in the way. I'm bothersome. Like, "Great, here comes Kelly, again! Can't she take a hint?" I keep thinking about the New York show. My interpretation: Nobody in that audience liked me. They didn't want to give me a chance. All the other comics tell me differently, but that's the impression I got. This is just one of those things that I have to suck up and deal with. Maybe I am in everyone's face a little too much. Yeah, I put a lot of time and energy into comedy. That's all I want to do. So when I share my ideas with others, I expect them to be just as excited about it. But I forget that they have full time jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, families... What do I have? I work 20-30 hours a week, I'm dateless, and I live at home. Of course I'm going to spend all my energy into comedy. I want to write sketch, I want to make short films, I want to do so much. I want to work on all of this while I have the drive to do it. I sometimes feel like giving up. Who cares, right? But then they win. I don't even know who "they" are, but I do not like loosing!

I expect a lot out of myself, maybe too much. I always feel the need to be the best, and in comedy, I know I'm not the best. I sometimes wonder if I'm really as funny as people say I am. I act like I have a lot of confidence, but I really doubt myself a lot behind closed doors. Maybe I'm not that funny... Maybe I'm not that fun to be around... Maybe I'm not that good looking...

We all have insecurities. We all have doubts. We all wonder what people think about us. When it comes down to it, all that matters is what we think about ourselves. It's hard to figure out how you feel about yourself when you pick up all sorts of vibes from other people. It clouds your judgement. I know that I'm in a funk. I'll be out of it soon. I just have to keep reminding myself of all the qualities I have that make me great; that make me who I am.

I should have a talk show where I sum up the entire hour in an inspirational monologue, like Oprah, or Jerry Springer....