Remember in The Little Mermaid, when Ursula takes Ariel's voice away inexchange for her legs? I imagine that when your ability to speak is taken away, you get a clearer idea of what you really want to say. We all have opinions, thoughts, and feelings. I've been given the opprotunity to go on stage and tell countless of people what I think. So what do I want to tell people with my comedy? Some choose to show audiences how dirty they can be. Others emphisize on stereotypes. Ladies can gab about dating and how it sucks -"Ladies am I right?" What do I want to say. What am I passionate about? What can I talk about that will make me a unique voice?
I have found one common thread among everything I have said on stage. I've been pointing out the ridiculousness in everything: How ridiculous celebrities are. How ridiculous taunting nicknames are. How ridiculous labels are. How ridiculous girls my age are. How ridiculous our society is.
Lighten up people! Let's not take life so seriously, and enjoy it once in a while!
What do you want to say?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
I Couldn't Even Say, "Hi"
My relationship with my brother, is pretty nonexistant. We only remain to have a relationship because of our dna. I've tried to make amends in the past, but it seems he has never cared.
I saw him yesterday. I was given notice before I went to work that he would be flying out on my airline last night. I was a wreck. What do I do when I see him? What do I say? Then there he was. I was at the gate counter and he walked by it and took a seat. He was ten feet away from me. He knew I was working there; I was in plain sight. Nothing. I wrestled with the idea of saying, "Hi". Maybe I should just say Hi. I couldn't do it. What comes after "Hi"? I wouldn't have had anything to say. And what would he say? I'm positive he would have looked at me with a screwed look on his face, the kind that implies, "What do you want?" I wouldn't have been able to finish the rest of my day if I saw that face. I left the counter, and went home.
What hurts the most is that he doesn't even care about who I am. He never has. He has just taken what he has seen, and made up a character for me. He sees me as a disgusting waste of space loser. He sees that I'm a slob, I live at home, and I dropped out of college. When I was in high school, I was depressed a lot, and how I delt with it, was I would eat. I didn't care what I ate, or what time it was... I ate, it was my was comfort. He's all healthy and runs and shit, and he would see me making a bowl of ice cream at 10am, and just be so disgusted by me. That judgement added another scoop. He thinks I'm a screw up. He doesn't know one real thing about me.
I didn't say Hi, because I wouldn't have heard what I wanted to hear...maybe needed to hear. "Mom and Dad sent me some of your standup. You're pretty good." He wouldn't say that. He wouldn't watch something about me. "How's the job going?" He wouldn't say that. He wouldn't want to hear me talk about myself. "I'm sorry." He wouldn't say that, because he thinks he did nothing wrong. He wouldn't say that because he is unaware of the pain he's caused. He wouldn't say that because... because he could care less about me and my feelings, and my life.
So I didn't say, "Hi"
I saw him yesterday. I was given notice before I went to work that he would be flying out on my airline last night. I was a wreck. What do I do when I see him? What do I say? Then there he was. I was at the gate counter and he walked by it and took a seat. He was ten feet away from me. He knew I was working there; I was in plain sight. Nothing. I wrestled with the idea of saying, "Hi". Maybe I should just say Hi. I couldn't do it. What comes after "Hi"? I wouldn't have had anything to say. And what would he say? I'm positive he would have looked at me with a screwed look on his face, the kind that implies, "What do you want?" I wouldn't have been able to finish the rest of my day if I saw that face. I left the counter, and went home.
What hurts the most is that he doesn't even care about who I am. He never has. He has just taken what he has seen, and made up a character for me. He sees me as a disgusting waste of space loser. He sees that I'm a slob, I live at home, and I dropped out of college. When I was in high school, I was depressed a lot, and how I delt with it, was I would eat. I didn't care what I ate, or what time it was... I ate, it was my was comfort. He's all healthy and runs and shit, and he would see me making a bowl of ice cream at 10am, and just be so disgusted by me. That judgement added another scoop. He thinks I'm a screw up. He doesn't know one real thing about me.
I didn't say Hi, because I wouldn't have heard what I wanted to hear...maybe needed to hear. "Mom and Dad sent me some of your standup. You're pretty good." He wouldn't say that. He wouldn't watch something about me. "How's the job going?" He wouldn't say that. He wouldn't want to hear me talk about myself. "I'm sorry." He wouldn't say that, because he thinks he did nothing wrong. He wouldn't say that because he is unaware of the pain he's caused. He wouldn't say that because... because he could care less about me and my feelings, and my life.
So I didn't say, "Hi"
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I Don't Know How Madonna Does It...
Reinventing yourself is hard work. Madonna, you have my respect.
Another comedian going out of their way to tell a Booker that they shouldn't have booked you; that's a motivator.
I love proving people wrong, but right now, it's more about proving to myself what I'm capable of doing.
I'm laying it all out there. I will give 100% in my performances, even in open mics. I will not settle for less. Wake me up from a deep sleep, and I'll be ready to perform. This is it people. No turning back. I'm moving forward full speed a head.
I pretty sure I know who I am on stage, and I only hesistate because I know it takes years to find who you are on stage. I just wonder if it's possible to find it sooner.
I have all the tools necessary; now I just need to put them to use.
Here goes.
Another comedian going out of their way to tell a Booker that they shouldn't have booked you; that's a motivator.
I love proving people wrong, but right now, it's more about proving to myself what I'm capable of doing.
I'm laying it all out there. I will give 100% in my performances, even in open mics. I will not settle for less. Wake me up from a deep sleep, and I'll be ready to perform. This is it people. No turning back. I'm moving forward full speed a head.
I pretty sure I know who I am on stage, and I only hesistate because I know it takes years to find who you are on stage. I just wonder if it's possible to find it sooner.
I have all the tools necessary; now I just need to put them to use.
Here goes.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Too Late to Change?
When you change something about yourself, you start to think about your life, the decisions you've made, and why; the cause and effect. Loosing weight is something that I've wanted to do for a long time. I've tried but have never been successful. Why is that, I wonder? Well, after a lot of thinking, I've realized that I use my weight as an excuse. My size is my scapegoat. It's why guys don't approach me, or want to date me. Every rejection I've faced is because I am not a size 4. Jack dumped me because he wanted to date Lori (who was skinnier than me). Tommy didn't want to date me, but Gina (who was skinnier than me). Sam wanted to date anyone else but me, because I was too fat. Nobody wants to start conversations with me at a party because I'm too fat. Older, creepy men at bars and clubs only talk to me because they see that I'm not skinny, and know my self esteem is low-I'm a wounded gazelle, and they're hungry and ready to pounce. Is that really the reason all those things happened? Maybe not, but that's how I've rationalized them in my head. Now let's be optimistic and say I loose the extra weight; do my problems go away? I fear that I'll loose the weight and keep the problems. I'll have to look at myself and realize that it was not my physical appearance that all the previously mentioned happened. It had to do with who I am; and that, that just kills me. Because you can't help who you are...can you?
My life keeps throwing people into my world reminding me of one thing: There will always be someone better than me.
In dating, comedy, school, work, life. There'll always be a better alternative to me. Never will I come out on top.
I need to reclaim myself. I know I'm an awesome person. But with the way my life is...
It's like playing poker, and you have a royal flush in your hand. You're excited to bet, you can't lose! But everyone folds in the first round. No one is anxious to see what you hold in your hand. You never get the chance to reveal to everyone what you have.
Another problem that has been pointed out to me is that I don't talk to people. I don't like talking to people I don't know. That sounds ridiculous, because, that's how you meet new people, you talk to them. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fear my mother instilled in me as a child. Stranger Danger. She always warned me how dangerous strangers can be. What did you get for Christmas when you were 10? I got a rape whistle. She warned me because she loved me, but the way she did it is not working out in my favor as an adult. I'm very apprehensive to people I don't know.
In social settings, like a friend's party for instance; I know the host, but everyone else is new to me, that's fine. But I have no idea what to say. I don't want to come off as uninteresting, lame, or annoying. I freeze up and become a wallflower, just waiting for someone else to start a conversation. Have you ever gone up to a group of people, and worked yourself into a conversation and you can feel that your presence is unwanted. I have. It's one of the worst feelings in the world, and I try to avoid it at all costs. It hurts my socializing, but it saves me from that feeling.
Now when I'm out in public, say I'm in line at a fast food restaurant, and the guy in front of me tries to start a conversation, I try to stop it. Why is he talking to me? I'm not here to have a conversation; I'm here to get a burger. I think of the reasons why he started the small talk. (By the way, I should mention that I hate small talk. I think it is stupid. Its little things that nobody cares about, but they keep talking about them. The weather? Really. I have eyes, I can see. I don't need to talk about it. "Your name is Kelly; my daughter's name is Kelly." So. It's a common name. There's nothing interesting about that. But you have to sound like you are otherwise people think you're a bitch. Am I a bitch? Hmm... Maybe I am. But this is how I feel. I digress.) So why did this guy start small talk with me? Is he interested in me? I'm not interested in him, and I don't want him to think I am, so I defuse the conversation. Does he want to lure me away from safety and harm me? Then I definitely want to get my burger to go! Or, is it possible that he is just a random nice guy, trying to strike up a conversation with a nice looking girl while he waits for his order...? Did you pick the third option…? I thought you would. I didn't. Why would someone do that? That is not normal for me. It doesn't make sense! I need to change that thought process. It's holding me back. I wonder if it's too late to correct my behavior. It sounds ridiculous, but maybe I need training. A social coach; because that's not embarrassing right?
If you want your life to change, you have to make change. I am going for it. It's not going to be easy, but I am setting out to change a lot of things in my life. What's odd about all of this is that loosing the weight, that's going to be the easiest goal to accomplish.
My life keeps throwing people into my world reminding me of one thing: There will always be someone better than me.
In dating, comedy, school, work, life. There'll always be a better alternative to me. Never will I come out on top.
I need to reclaim myself. I know I'm an awesome person. But with the way my life is...
It's like playing poker, and you have a royal flush in your hand. You're excited to bet, you can't lose! But everyone folds in the first round. No one is anxious to see what you hold in your hand. You never get the chance to reveal to everyone what you have.
Another problem that has been pointed out to me is that I don't talk to people. I don't like talking to people I don't know. That sounds ridiculous, because, that's how you meet new people, you talk to them. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fear my mother instilled in me as a child. Stranger Danger. She always warned me how dangerous strangers can be. What did you get for Christmas when you were 10? I got a rape whistle. She warned me because she loved me, but the way she did it is not working out in my favor as an adult. I'm very apprehensive to people I don't know.
In social settings, like a friend's party for instance; I know the host, but everyone else is new to me, that's fine. But I have no idea what to say. I don't want to come off as uninteresting, lame, or annoying. I freeze up and become a wallflower, just waiting for someone else to start a conversation. Have you ever gone up to a group of people, and worked yourself into a conversation and you can feel that your presence is unwanted. I have. It's one of the worst feelings in the world, and I try to avoid it at all costs. It hurts my socializing, but it saves me from that feeling.
Now when I'm out in public, say I'm in line at a fast food restaurant, and the guy in front of me tries to start a conversation, I try to stop it. Why is he talking to me? I'm not here to have a conversation; I'm here to get a burger. I think of the reasons why he started the small talk. (By the way, I should mention that I hate small talk. I think it is stupid. Its little things that nobody cares about, but they keep talking about them. The weather? Really. I have eyes, I can see. I don't need to talk about it. "Your name is Kelly; my daughter's name is Kelly." So. It's a common name. There's nothing interesting about that. But you have to sound like you are otherwise people think you're a bitch. Am I a bitch? Hmm... Maybe I am. But this is how I feel. I digress.) So why did this guy start small talk with me? Is he interested in me? I'm not interested in him, and I don't want him to think I am, so I defuse the conversation. Does he want to lure me away from safety and harm me? Then I definitely want to get my burger to go! Or, is it possible that he is just a random nice guy, trying to strike up a conversation with a nice looking girl while he waits for his order...? Did you pick the third option…? I thought you would. I didn't. Why would someone do that? That is not normal for me. It doesn't make sense! I need to change that thought process. It's holding me back. I wonder if it's too late to correct my behavior. It sounds ridiculous, but maybe I need training. A social coach; because that's not embarrassing right?
If you want your life to change, you have to make change. I am going for it. It's not going to be easy, but I am setting out to change a lot of things in my life. What's odd about all of this is that loosing the weight, that's going to be the easiest goal to accomplish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
