Too Late to Change?

When you change something about yourself, you start to think about your life, the decisions you've made, and why; the cause and effect. Loosing weight is something that I've wanted to do for a long time. I've tried but have never been successful. Why is that, I wonder? Well, after a lot of thinking, I've realized that I use my weight as an excuse. My size is my scapegoat. It's why guys don't approach me, or want to date me. Every rejection I've faced is because I am not a size 4. Jack dumped me because he wanted to date Lori (who was skinnier than me). Tommy didn't want to date me, but Gina (who was skinnier than me). Sam wanted to date anyone else but me, because I was too fat. Nobody wants to start conversations with me at a party because I'm too fat. Older, creepy men at bars and clubs only talk to me because they see that I'm not skinny, and know my self esteem is low-I'm a wounded gazelle, and they're hungry and ready to pounce. Is that really the reason all those things happened? Maybe not, but that's how I've rationalized them in my head. Now let's be optimistic and say I loose the extra weight; do my problems go away? I fear that I'll loose the weight and keep the problems. I'll have to look at myself and realize that it was not my physical appearance that all the previously mentioned happened. It had to do with who I am; and that, that just kills me. Because you can't help who you are...can you?
My life keeps throwing people into my world reminding me of one thing: There will always be someone better than me.
In dating, comedy, school, work, life. There'll always be a better alternative to me. Never will I come out on top.
I need to reclaim myself. I know I'm an awesome person. But with the way my life is...
It's like playing poker, and you have a royal flush in your hand. You're excited to bet, you can't lose! But everyone folds in the first round. No one is anxious to see what you hold in your hand. You never get the chance to reveal to everyone what you have.
Another problem that has been pointed out to me is that I don't talk to people. I don't like talking to people I don't know. That sounds ridiculous, because, that's how you meet new people, you talk to them. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fear my mother instilled in me as a child. Stranger Danger. She always warned me how dangerous strangers can be. What did you get for Christmas when you were 10? I got a rape whistle. She warned me because she loved me, but the way she did it is not working out in my favor as an adult. I'm very apprehensive to people I don't know.
In social settings, like a friend's party for instance; I know the host, but everyone else is new to me, that's fine. But I have no idea what to say. I don't want to come off as uninteresting, lame, or annoying. I freeze up and become a wallflower, just waiting for someone else to start a conversation. Have you ever gone up to a group of people, and worked yourself into a conversation and you can feel that your presence is unwanted. I have. It's one of the worst feelings in the world, and I try to avoid it at all costs. It hurts my socializing, but it saves me from that feeling.
Now when I'm out in public, say I'm in line at a fast food restaurant, and the guy in front of me tries to start a conversation, I try to stop it. Why is he talking to me? I'm not here to have a conversation; I'm here to get a burger. I think of the reasons why he started the small talk. (By the way, I should mention that I hate small talk. I think it is stupid. Its little things that nobody cares about, but they keep talking about them. The weather? Really. I have eyes, I can see. I don't need to talk about it. "Your name is Kelly; my daughter's name is Kelly." So. It's a common name. There's nothing interesting about that. But you have to sound like you are otherwise people think you're a bitch. Am I a bitch? Hmm... Maybe I am. But this is how I feel. I digress.) So why did this guy start small talk with me? Is he interested in me? I'm not interested in him, and I don't want him to think I am, so I defuse the conversation. Does he want to lure me away from safety and harm me? Then I definitely want to get my burger to go! Or, is it possible that he is just a random nice guy, trying to strike up a conversation with a nice looking girl while he waits for his order...? Did you pick the third option…? I thought you would. I didn't. Why would someone do that? That is not normal for me. It doesn't make sense! I need to change that thought process. It's holding me back. I wonder if it's too late to correct my behavior. It sounds ridiculous, but maybe I need training. A social coach; because that's not embarrassing right?
If you want your life to change, you have to make change. I am going for it. It's not going to be easy, but I am setting out to change a lot of things in my life. What's odd about all of this is that loosing the weight, that's going to be the easiest goal to accomplish.