really

This entry took me a while to complete. I feel it's ready to share.


When I was in high school, I never really stood out. I wasn’t smart enough to be considered smart. I wasn’t athletic enough to be considered an athlete. And I wasn’t pretty enough to be considered a catch. I wasn’t even bland enough to be considered invisible by my peers.

The girls that I hung out with in high school always seemed to be attached to a boy. Their relationships would last anywhere from two weeks to two years, and no matter how long they lasted, their world revolved around their relationships. I never understood their need to be with their boy friends twenty-four/seven, their numerous fights about nothing, or why, if they weren’t happy with their guy, they stayed together. They made relationships seem so complicated, when if you could just step back and see the whole picture; you could realize it doesn’t have to be so difficult. Maybe they’d realize you can have a healthy balance between your boyfriend and your friends.

I had numerous crushes throughout those four years, but only a few of them made me absolutely melt. I would somehow always man up the courage to tell the boy on my mind that I liked him. Never would they feel the same about me. One rejection caught me so off guard, I felt my heart break. I felt it break and I didn’t know if it would ever be whole again. I was so convinced that this time was different. This time, he would feel the same way I felt. This time… this time would be my time. I’m still waiting for that time to come.

Friends would ask me why finding a guy was so important to me. It’s quite simple really. I have so much to give, and no one to receive it. I want to experience sharing your life with someone. I want to find someone who I can completely be myself with and enjoy the little things in life. Life is an adventure and to have someone journey with you in a deep, meaningful way would just maximize the thrills.

I could never understand why guys didn’t want to date me. Was I not pretty enough; not skinny enough; not out going enough? Did I dress too conservatively? Could I not carry an interesting conversation? Was I just absolutely repulsive? I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. My friends would tell me how wonderful I was, but how could I believe them? Your friends could tell you a million times that you’re amazing, that you’re gorgeous, and that any guy would be lucky to be with you; but at the end of the day, month, or year, those kind words are just that. They’re words. Without action, they are empty. That is how a 15 year old girl thinks, or at least, that is how I did. I felt I was plain, and uninteresting because no one made me feel special.
Today, I can stand up and proudly say: I am special. I can say I’m worth something. It took me a long time to really appreciate myself as I am. I don’t need someone else to define me. I know I’m awesome, and if someone else can’t see that, then they aren’t worth my time impressing. I am worth being appreciated as I am. If no one else is going to tell me I’m great, then damnit, I’ll say it! No longer do thoughts of self-doubt plague my mind. No longer do I rely on others to boost my self-esteem. I’ve stopped questioning myself, and I am just living my life as the person I want to be; the person I am now.