I Couldn't Even Say, "Hi"

My relationship with my brother, is pretty nonexistant. We only remain to have a relationship because of our dna. I've tried to make amends in the past, but it seems he has never cared.

I saw him yesterday. I was given notice before I went to work that he would be flying out on my airline last night. I was a wreck. What do I do when I see him? What do I say? Then there he was. I was at the gate counter and he walked by it and took a seat. He was ten feet away from me. He knew I was working there; I was in plain sight. Nothing. I wrestled with the idea of saying, "Hi". Maybe I should just say Hi. I couldn't do it. What comes after "Hi"? I wouldn't have had anything to say. And what would he say? I'm positive he would have looked at me with a screwed look on his face, the kind that implies, "What do you want?" I wouldn't have been able to finish the rest of my day if I saw that face. I left the counter, and went home.

What hurts the most is that he doesn't even care about who I am. He never has. He has just taken what he has seen, and made up a character for me. He sees me as a disgusting waste of space loser. He sees that I'm a slob, I live at home, and I dropped out of college. When I was in high school, I was depressed a lot, and how I delt with it, was I would eat. I didn't care what I ate, or what time it was... I ate, it was my was comfort. He's all healthy and runs and shit, and he would see me making a bowl of ice cream at 10am, and just be so disgusted by me. That judgement added another scoop. He thinks I'm a screw up. He doesn't know one real thing about me.

I didn't say Hi, because I wouldn't have heard what I wanted to hear...maybe needed to hear. "Mom and Dad sent me some of your standup. You're pretty good." He wouldn't say that. He wouldn't watch something about me. "How's the job going?" He wouldn't say that. He wouldn't want to hear me talk about myself. "I'm sorry." He wouldn't say that, because he thinks he did nothing wrong. He wouldn't say that because he is unaware of the pain he's caused. He wouldn't say that because... because he could care less about me and my feelings, and my life.

So I didn't say, "Hi"