Shedding an Image

I never wanted to be a poster girl for weight loss. I never wanted to talk about being overweight, or trying to lose weight onstage because then it would be real. Then I would know that everyone else knows that I'm not thin. I hate saying it and even writing it now. I always thought that it was something I could hide. I don't think my weight is the first thing people think about when they see me. I'm not huge, but I'm not small. I figured that if I had a strategic wardrobe then no one would notice. Wear pants that have just a little extra room in them. Wear layers of shirts and sweatshirts. Surely no one would catch wise! In the past few months, as I've opened up about my feelings of weight, my weight, and my struggles, I'm finding that I'm not alone. Yes I know that 7 out of 10 women have a negative opinion about their body image, but the internal struggles that I endured, I believed were something only I knew. I've come to realize a few things about myself.

1. I've used my weight as a crutch. My weight has been the reason for why I wasn't invited to a party, why he didn't ask me out, why I didn't get ahead. I've been using it as my scapegoat so I don't have to face the reality that I may be the one to blame.

2. I don't give 100%. I have the time; I could be working out for two hours everyday. At most I go for an hour 5 days a week. That is a lot, but I have the ability to go for more time and I have more to lose. I have a lot of weight to get off of my body, and once I get to where I want to be, then going 3-5 days a week for 30-60min will be great.

3. I have no willpower. Exhibit A: Two weeks ago I went out of my way to Sprinkles Cupcakes, and with a friend ate them in my car. All of my teeth are sweet teeth. If I get a craving for something, and it happens a lot, I will do whatever it takes to get that. Living at home makes it harder. My family is always making some kind of a treat and it drives me crazy. It smells so good, I just can't help myself. I know I shouldn't, but tasting the delicious treat seems worth it in the moment.

4. I can do this. I know if I apply myself, I can lose the weight. It's just a matter of conquering my laziness and strengthening my willpower.

I've said that if I was big enough, I would want to go on the Biggest Loser and have Jillian or Bob train me. I'd want them to make me exercise until I cried, then yell at me for crying. I met with a personal trainer last week. For about 20-25minutes I did Cardio. I did high steps, tri-cep pushups, squats with and without weights, lay on my back and moved my legs as if I was pedaling. I didn't cry, but I wanted to. She didn't yell at me, but told me that if I didn't fully extend my left leg in the pedaling exercise, that I would have to start over again; which was enough motivation for me. The day after my legs hurt in ways I never thought possible. I'm discovering muscles I never knew existed. Never mind about the Biggest Loser. I can't even imagine what their bodies must feel like after their workouts.

I’ve never been comfortable in my body. I couldn’t always wear the clothes that I wanted to wear. I was ashamed I didn’t look the way I wanted too. Please understand that. I want to look a certain way for me; not because the media is telling me how I should look.
Something is changing though. I still want to loose the excess weight, but I do feel better about my current state. I’m weird in that I don’t want to do certain things, but if it’s for an audience and the arts, then I’ll do it. I’ll go out of my comfort zone for entertainment. Well, I never expected to be singing and dancing onstage in a teddy, but for four nights I am doing just that. I had two very different thoughts. 1) Finally! I get to dress up sexy for once. And 2) Who would want to see me in a teddy? Yes, as Ms. Caitlin Gil has stated it so perfectly before, this kind of low self esteem can’t be bought, it has to be made. I don’t know how to take compliments. I’m in this odd stage of shedding the person I used to be, and becoming a new person. I’m in the middle. I’m still holding onto what I’ve been taught by others. The girls that used to call me their friend made me feel that I was not on their level. I was cast as the not as pretty, chubby friend. Well of course I developed a sense of humor from that. I don’t think they consciously marked me as “that” girl, but they did. To them, I wasn’t threatening. I could never take a guy away from them. I could never physically look better them. The only thing I had on them were good grades and that wasn’t really all that important to them. I’m not that person anymore. I like going out, looking and feeling my best. I don’t want to come off as conceded though. It’s a fine line as far as I’m concerned.

I’ve made a small turning point on this journey. I used to be skeptical by positive remarks about my appearance. But something happened. When I was on stage, I was just myself (well, myself in lingerie), and got a response from the audience that basically said, “Damn, you look hot!” And instead of shying away from it, I embraced it. “Yes, I am hot!” Something came over me. I took a step away from the old me, and a step towards the new.

I feel like I’ve gone astray from what I was originally talking about. Let me string it together. I am bettering myself, physically and mentally. It’s a journey that’s far from over. I never intended to be so open about it, as it would let everyone know about my flaws, but as I continue to open up, and I get responses from others saying, “Me too!” I feel that I’m opening a door saying its okay to improve yourself. You don’t have to settle if you are not completely happy. As I better myself on the inside, the outside will soon follow. It’s cliché I know, but if I (a person so lazy she could, and has stayed in all day because it was just too comfortable to get out of bed) can do it, so can you.