Oh Eight

It’s that time of year again. That time of year when we look back at the last 12 months and access how this year has treated us.

I spent my 2007 New Year’s Eve asleep. Not only did I have a 6am shift the next day, but I was also recovering from my liver failing. Long story short- A complication from my surgery led to me being in excruciating pain for two weeks during the holidays. I was jaundice (my skin was yellow), couldn’t eat anything, and was in constant pain. The doctors weren’t quite sure what was wrong. I felt like a case you would see on House. By the time the New Year rolled around, they had properly diagnosed me and I was well again.

As my coloring returned to the norm, I made a plan for myself: to take advantage of my job benefits and fly out on a trip at least once a month.

I’ve traveled more this year than I thought I would ever travel in my entire life. January and February consisted of day trips to L.A. They filled my quota without emptying my bank account. Sometime in those two months, I was checking in a gentleman that works for Air France. I was asking him if flights to Paris were full this time of year. (I fly free because I fly standby…) He said that it was a great time to fly, and that I should go. I mentioned that my cousin lives in Paris and he insisted that since I know people in Paris, I should take the opportunity to go. I never thought I’d get the chance to leave the country. I didn’t have a passport. The more I thought about, the more I wanted to go. I was trying to think of who could be my companion on this trip. I can bring someone along, why not? Though I would have loved to bring my best friend Megan, I knew it would not work out well. As a newly wed with a little one at (their new) home it didn’t bode well for an international outing. I had another friend who I always talked about going to Ireland with. It wasn’t Ireland, but it was close. So it was only right that I asked him if he wanted to go. He was in the middle of the semester and unable to join me. That secretly made me relieved. I wanted to keep Ireland for us if we went. I already had someone else in mind for the excursion. I called up Dana and asked her if she wanted to go to Europe. She said she couldn’t afford to go to Europe. “Can you afford sixty dollars?” (International fees) She said she could. “Good, that’s all it’s going to cost to fly there.” Her tone changed. “Yeah, okay. Let me check my schedule. I’ll call you back.”

In March, we flew to Amsterdam, stayed two nights, and then took a train into Paris. We stayed in Paris longer than expected. It’s that whole “stand by” traveling thing that got us in trouble. It took us three days to get back to American soil. Despite the huge hiccup in our trip, it was amazing.

A month later I was in New York City. The Big Apple. The city that never sleeps. Despite being a resident of the state for two years as a toddler, I had never really taken a trip to New York. The last time I was there, I was 15. We were actually vacationing in New Jersey. My dad had set up lunch with old friends in Manhattan. At 15, the only thing I wanted to see was Times Square. Before the lunch, we walked through the city. We walked, and walked, and walked. I was just beginning to see Times Square and… it was time to turn around so we could make it to lunch on time. It was disappointing. So now, here I was. 21, with comics, in New York City; it was amazing. I took the NBC Studio tour in hopes of seeing Studio 8-H. I did. I saw it. I stood behind glass, looking down on the stage. I wanted to sneak away from the group and find my way to the stage. If I got caught, I would just claim that I got separated from the group. I felt something as I looked at that stage. Even though I had never been there before, I felt that finally, I was home. New York City was a big long party. Comedy, Broadway shows, drinking. Oh geez did I drink?! Yeah. I drank away my bank account. When I don’t have work, or have to drive, I let loose with the drinking. Well that rarely happens. I was responsibility free for four or five days. I did a lot of damage. Not just drinks though; food, orchestra seats, souvenirs, the NBC tour. As it all added up, my bank account went into the red. For someone who didn’t pay for her flight or lodging, I spent A LOT of money. I don’t remember the exact amount, but by the time everything was taken out, I had overdrawn. I overdrew so much that my account had -$200. I was two weeks away from another paycheck, one that wouldn’t be worth a lot anyhow because I had taken off a few days to make the trip.

I did it. I had financially hit rock bottom. Gas was nearing five dollars a gallon, I had gotten my first parking ticket ever, my car registration was due, and I couldn’t afford to pay my bills. So I didn’t. It took me until the middle of July before I was caught up on payments.

Did my financial woes stop my travels? No! The weekend May turned into June I went to Las Vegas. It was for the arts though; the filming of The Fat Pack. I told everyone upfront that I didn’t have money. I was ashamed, embarrassed, really. I don’t like mooching off of others. I was really taken aback at how wonderful they all were to me. They covered for me when I needed it. The only thing they asked for in return was for me to bring them back to Vegas. No Problem.

Days after returning from Vegas, I took my brother and dad to Boston. Yes, I still had no money, but this trip was already planned. My dad took care of the hotel and Red Sox tickets, and I flew us over. I love my Red Sox and being in Fenway Park was awesome!

No trips in July. I couldn’t afford it. I worked to pay off my bills. I was selling my DVDs to FYE stores, just to get money for gas so I could get to work. A DVD that I paid twenty dollars for sold for three dollars. Those three dollars would not even get me a gallon of gas. It was my own Great Depression.

August came and I found someone very special to me. We share one main common interest to an extreme. Sandy and I had a girl’s night out planned and I said, “Why don’t we go to a buffet in Vegas before we go out that night?” The idea seemed crazy impossible. Crazy it was; impossible, not a chance. We flew down, first class, to Vegas. Grabbed a cab, and went to the buffet. We spent six to eight hours in Vegas, with plenty of time to go out in San Francisco. It was the first course of our food obsessed relationship.

I stayed home in September. The whole money issue really tied me down. In October I took my mom to New York for a Broadway weekend. We took a redeye on a Friday night, and arrived Saturday morning. We had tickets for Young Frankenstein at 2pm, and Gypsy at 8pm. (Orchestra seats for both. Amazing!) We left Sunday morning on a 7am flight. I never want to do that with my mom again. She does not travel well.

The following week I had a week of paid vacation; how could I not take that up? I made a weekend trip to L.A. I visited some friends, saw some good comedy, and didn’t spend a lot of money. I enjoy my solitaire trips to L.A. They make me feel very independent. I can get myself from LAX to downtown or to Hollywood by public transit. I like that I’m out of my element and have to be creative.

Thanksgiving at my house is not unlike most dinners in my house. My family doesn’t like to go anywhere on Thanksgiving because the traffic is just not worth it. If anyone comes over our house, it’s my grandma. It’s just another dinner. I’ve never been a fan of the food served at Thanksgiving. You name it, I probably don’t like it. Yes, I don’t even like stuffing. So, to spice things up a bit, Sandy and I headed back to Vegas to spend our holiday at a buffet. How wonderful! Well, wonderful in theory. We didn’t realize so many people would have the same idea. We got to a buffet at about 8pm and the line was a two hour wait. Standing-in line- for two straight hours! F- That! Our Thanksgiving meal consisted of a wrap Sandy got, and a hamburger, fries, and a shake I got from a food court in Caesar’s.

It’s already the end of December and I have not made any travel plans for the month. I’m okay with that. Sure, I didn’t complete the “travel to a city each month” plan. But I did see a lot. I did more than some people do in a lifetime, and for that I’m grateful. I’ve made so many wonderful memories, and for that, I am a better person.


So, I traveled a lot this year. What else happened?
I did a lot of firsts as far as comedy as concerned. I performed at The Purple Onion, and The Punchline. I was hosting and producing my own show. I almost started my own production company. My show got cancelled, which in hindsight was a great thing for me. I was so busy working on that show every month that I had no time for me. Since then I’ve been able to work on my material and it’s better than ever. I’ve finally found something real to talk about. It’s real, relatable and most importantly, it’s funny.

I walked down the Eiffel Tower.
I ate banana off of a “dancer” in a sex club.
I got to hang out with some New York comics, including Dave Attell.
I won $80 in roulette.
I’ve had my heart broken in a way I never thought possible.
I’ve met an idol of mine.
I watched Manny Rameriz knock a ball over the Green Monster
I’m finally coming out of my shell and being less shy and more approachable.
For months I didn’t know if I was going to loose my job or not. (I’m not as it turns out…I get to keep it, well, until at least March)
I’ve begun looking at myself differently, in a healthy, positive way.

2008 has been good to me; far better than most. What made this year different was that I took charge of my life. I was tired of being bored. If you want your life to change, you have to make the change. Here’s to a new year, and new experiences…won’t you join me?

Shedding an Image

I never wanted to be a poster girl for weight loss. I never wanted to talk about being overweight, or trying to lose weight onstage because then it would be real. Then I would know that everyone else knows that I'm not thin. I hate saying it and even writing it now. I always thought that it was something I could hide. I don't think my weight is the first thing people think about when they see me. I'm not huge, but I'm not small. I figured that if I had a strategic wardrobe then no one would notice. Wear pants that have just a little extra room in them. Wear layers of shirts and sweatshirts. Surely no one would catch wise! In the past few months, as I've opened up about my feelings of weight, my weight, and my struggles, I'm finding that I'm not alone. Yes I know that 7 out of 10 women have a negative opinion about their body image, but the internal struggles that I endured, I believed were something only I knew. I've come to realize a few things about myself.

1. I've used my weight as a crutch. My weight has been the reason for why I wasn't invited to a party, why he didn't ask me out, why I didn't get ahead. I've been using it as my scapegoat so I don't have to face the reality that I may be the one to blame.

2. I don't give 100%. I have the time; I could be working out for two hours everyday. At most I go for an hour 5 days a week. That is a lot, but I have the ability to go for more time and I have more to lose. I have a lot of weight to get off of my body, and once I get to where I want to be, then going 3-5 days a week for 30-60min will be great.

3. I have no willpower. Exhibit A: Two weeks ago I went out of my way to Sprinkles Cupcakes, and with a friend ate them in my car. All of my teeth are sweet teeth. If I get a craving for something, and it happens a lot, I will do whatever it takes to get that. Living at home makes it harder. My family is always making some kind of a treat and it drives me crazy. It smells so good, I just can't help myself. I know I shouldn't, but tasting the delicious treat seems worth it in the moment.

4. I can do this. I know if I apply myself, I can lose the weight. It's just a matter of conquering my laziness and strengthening my willpower.

I've said that if I was big enough, I would want to go on the Biggest Loser and have Jillian or Bob train me. I'd want them to make me exercise until I cried, then yell at me for crying. I met with a personal trainer last week. For about 20-25minutes I did Cardio. I did high steps, tri-cep pushups, squats with and without weights, lay on my back and moved my legs as if I was pedaling. I didn't cry, but I wanted to. She didn't yell at me, but told me that if I didn't fully extend my left leg in the pedaling exercise, that I would have to start over again; which was enough motivation for me. The day after my legs hurt in ways I never thought possible. I'm discovering muscles I never knew existed. Never mind about the Biggest Loser. I can't even imagine what their bodies must feel like after their workouts.

I’ve never been comfortable in my body. I couldn’t always wear the clothes that I wanted to wear. I was ashamed I didn’t look the way I wanted too. Please understand that. I want to look a certain way for me; not because the media is telling me how I should look.
Something is changing though. I still want to loose the excess weight, but I do feel better about my current state. I’m weird in that I don’t want to do certain things, but if it’s for an audience and the arts, then I’ll do it. I’ll go out of my comfort zone for entertainment. Well, I never expected to be singing and dancing onstage in a teddy, but for four nights I am doing just that. I had two very different thoughts. 1) Finally! I get to dress up sexy for once. And 2) Who would want to see me in a teddy? Yes, as Ms. Caitlin Gil has stated it so perfectly before, this kind of low self esteem can’t be bought, it has to be made. I don’t know how to take compliments. I’m in this odd stage of shedding the person I used to be, and becoming a new person. I’m in the middle. I’m still holding onto what I’ve been taught by others. The girls that used to call me their friend made me feel that I was not on their level. I was cast as the not as pretty, chubby friend. Well of course I developed a sense of humor from that. I don’t think they consciously marked me as “that” girl, but they did. To them, I wasn’t threatening. I could never take a guy away from them. I could never physically look better them. The only thing I had on them were good grades and that wasn’t really all that important to them. I’m not that person anymore. I like going out, looking and feeling my best. I don’t want to come off as conceded though. It’s a fine line as far as I’m concerned.

I’ve made a small turning point on this journey. I used to be skeptical by positive remarks about my appearance. But something happened. When I was on stage, I was just myself (well, myself in lingerie), and got a response from the audience that basically said, “Damn, you look hot!” And instead of shying away from it, I embraced it. “Yes, I am hot!” Something came over me. I took a step away from the old me, and a step towards the new.

I feel like I’ve gone astray from what I was originally talking about. Let me string it together. I am bettering myself, physically and mentally. It’s a journey that’s far from over. I never intended to be so open about it, as it would let everyone know about my flaws, but as I continue to open up, and I get responses from others saying, “Me too!” I feel that I’m opening a door saying its okay to improve yourself. You don’t have to settle if you are not completely happy. As I better myself on the inside, the outside will soon follow. It’s cliché I know, but if I (a person so lazy she could, and has stayed in all day because it was just too comfortable to get out of bed) can do it, so can you.

My Abs are like God

Last week I was in the 5 Funny Females show at the Purple Onion, and it was amazing! I had a great set; all the ladies had a great set! It was a lot of fun. I will soon have a 2 minute feature on Rooftopcomedy.com! I'm anxious to see what 2 minutes they're going to use!

I did two things that I've always have wanted to do.

1. I finally saw Maria Bamford! An awesome show at the Punchline. I remember seeing her Comedy Central special, way before I even thought about standup comedy, and it was amazing. I loved all of her jokes and characters. So after the show I met her. I was nervous. Meeting someone that influences you can be nervewracking. You just don't want them to be a douchebag. It would be like a kid seeing Mickey Mouse with his head off smoking a cigarette. Maria was very nice. She talked a bit and signed a postcard for me and took a picture with me. Very nice.

2. I competed in a Pageant. I don't know why I always wanted to do a pageant. I'm not a girly girl, but there are very few things that I enjoy that are just girly to the max. So... The Margaret France No Pants Co-Ed Comedy Pageant... so much Fun! I sang in front of an audience that wasn't there for karaoke for the first time since... um...highschool? I was nervous because I had gotten sick and my throat was scratchy! But I medicated all day and it went fine. All the boys won the top 3 spots. How sexist! Since when do tits not count for anything anymore?! haha. It was a lot of fun. As soon as I figure out how to transfer my camcorder to a clip on my computer, I'll post it.

I started incorporating weights into my workout. I'm so sore. I decided that my abs are like God. I believe they exist, and after working out, I feel their presence. My legs are a lot stronger than my arms. I can leg press (if that's even the right term for the exercise machine) 140lbs. But I can pull 35lbs...well barely... I wanted to move it to 20lbs, but that marker was blocked, so 35lbs it was. I can see a difference since starting the weights. I should rent out all the extra room I have in my pants. My really tight jeans are now just my kinda tight jeans! That's progress!

Worst Week Ever.

So last week was probably the worst week I ever had...

Where shall I begin...?


Well, I'm in danger of loosing my job soon. Most likely after the holidays. I'm pretty positive I'm going to loose my job, I just don't know when! (I'm part time and number 10 from the bottom of senority)

So that's been sucking out the fun for me. I'm trying to think of other jobs I'm qualified for. I need something that pays well because I have bills to pay and I need to start saving again. I haven't been able to save because I now work 20 hours a week. I try to pick up as many hours as I can, but it's not enough... I should be hearing from the hardware store soon about going part time there. I don't want to go back there, but I don't have much of a choice. I'm good with the owners, I've done the job before, and they're flexible with scheduling.

So this extremely early mid life crisis has got me thinking about school. I might go to the Academy of Art. If I were to go back to school, this would probably be the only one I'd be successful with. My kind of learning. My friend Ryan works there and is getting me info on their Broadcasting program and finacial aid. We'll see.


Now, what really made my weekend SUCK.

I did my Un-Lady Like show Friday night. It was a good show. Not the best, not the worst. I was thrown down into our new room, which is freakin' nice! But I had no idea how to set everything up! I had to figure it all out, I was the only one there until 15 min. before showtime. The ladies started showing up...we had a small crowd of about 20. My headliner tells me that she didnt realize she was headlining and that she had to go up first because she had something else scheduled. Fuck. Okay... So I rearranged the line up. I headline because I trusted myself to do it. The show was fine. One girl didn't do so well...everyone else got laughs, it was fine. As I said, I've had worse shows.

So I talk to one of the club managers afterwards, tell her that it went well... and we talk about taking a hiatus to build an audience. We're just lacking in the number of people attending. I agreed. So we brainstormed on places to go and advertise, and decided the show would come back in December.

The next day I get an email from her:

Hey Kelly,
After reading this one star review that we received on Yelp.com this morning about the Unladylike Show, I've decided to cancel the show:

"My friends and I went to the Unladylike show last night. I've been to SFCC before and it was pretty good. All three of us were totally shocked at how un-funny the women performing were. Not one of them talked about anything we could relate to. We had no idea "Unladylike" meant white trash but I guess at SFCC it does. I hate to be mean but they were all overweight and unattractive and not very bright. They talked about stupid things. One of the "comedians" was all into being white trash but it was just sad. Who wants to hear about poor people living in a trailer park? We just felt sorry for her but no one laughed. Kelly McCarron talked about really dull things but nothing funny. We couldn't believe we were at a comedy show. We just kept looking at each other waiting to laugh. In case the show producers don't know, there are actually women in San Francisco who read, are smart and actually have relationships with things other than vibrators and text messages. We totally felt like we were in some skanky bar in Sacramento."

Please cancel your performers for the December show we talked about.



W.T.F.? I started crying immediately. This is the nastiest review I've ever read about anything! It's one thing to not like our comedy, but to attack us for the way we looks...? Even if we ALL were overweight and unattractive (Which by they way most of the girls are skinny & pretty, and I talked about my jouney to loose weight) that has NOTHING to do with our comedy. If the show was filled with a bunch of Peter Griffin Look-a-Likes, that wouldn't have been mentioned in the review. Just harsh. It felt more like a personal attack than a review. What a stuck up bitch right?! And she didn't give it a one star, she gave it three....which doesn't matter, but if you're going to cancel me based on one review, then get your facts right!

So I just felt like my life was falling apart: My job, my comedy, my whole world was crumbling. So Sunday I went to the Fog Fest in Pacifica, and my friend Lee had a party and drinks. And I kept taking shots of tequila. Megan counted up to 10, but she said I was sneaking shots too. I blacked out. I've never blacked out in my life, let alone in public. I remember saying "I'm dull and unfunny" a lot. I just wanted to feel anything else but what I had been feeling; hopeless.

I feel like an idiot. I'm grateful for my friends that helped me through this. It's amazing that after all of the good things people say about you and your work, that ONE nasty, mean comment can fuck you up. You forget about everything else. You forget that someone came up to you after a show and said, "You were my favorite." You forget that some guy looked you up on myspace and sent you a non-creepy message about how much he liked you and your comedy...and that he came back to a show you were in! You forget that Mr. Brill, the booker of Letterman, thinks your comedy is good. You loose sight of all the good because one stuck up bitch said you were dull and not funny.

I've decided a couple of things...

1. I'm a bit relieved to not have to produce a show every month anymore. It's a lot of work, and I never have the kickass set I want in those shows because I'm running around all day getting things done. This will give me back the time I need to concentrate on my writing and performances.

2. Un-Lady Like is not dead. Maybe we're Un-Dead... heh...get it? Seriously though... I can produce that show anywhere... It just costs money that I don't have... So it maybe a while, but it's not gone forever.

3. Life is never over...well I guess until your dead....that's not as inspiring though... What I'm saying is, that even when your life seems like it's over, it's not. You just have to start rebuilding. It's like a lego house. You built some kickass lego building and then some fuckin' bitch comes over and knocks it down a swift kick of her leg. That sucks! You put together this amazing lego building without a guide book. You don't remember what steps you took to make it. How will you ever get it back to what it was? You just gotta start trying. It may never look the same... it may even look better than before.

I love my elaborate metaphors.

Yesterday was my birthday. After working all day (by choice... I need the hours) I went out to dinner with Megan, Valerie, Ryan, and Dhaya. Dinner was good. Went home with Megan and Valerie. Val and I have been friends since the 4th grade. Meg and I...well we've known each other since middle school, but weren't really friends til late in high school. It was so fun talking about people we used to hang with and sharing stories about them that the others might not have heard. It was good to laugh that hard...better than the Tequila Black Out of 2008. Actually the thing that made me laugh the hardest was something with Val and Ryan...but I have to tell that in person... Classic. Being around good friends was just what I needed.

I'm out of things to say... I'm a bit distracted honestly... I keep thinking about the birthday cake I have left over.

The Unfortunate Truth About Girls

We don’t want to have the details of our weddings planned out before we’re in a relationship.
But we do.

We don’t want to ask ourselves, “Is this the kind of guy I could marry and have kids with?” within minutes of meeting you.
But we do.

We don’t want to think about how our name will sound if we took your last name when we’ve just learned it.
But we do.

The way our brains are wired cause us to have these socially unnatural thoughts.

As much as I’d like to block out all of these “girly” thoughts, I can’t. My head goes into this jewel encrusted cave-like place. Yes, jewel encrusted. The interior is pink and instead of hieroglyphics, there are various, “Kelly + Johnny 4Ever” messages. Don’t be fooled by its colorful and sparkly appeal. This cave is a very dangerous place.

Some girls live in the cave. I can’t stand those girls. They’re not living in the here and now, but in a fantasy. I only go into the cave when there is a boy of interest to me. I tend to enter the cave with great caution; I tip toe in. I enter with disbelief. I can’t believe I’m going back to this place. Do you know what happened last time I was here? I fell deep into the fantasy world that the previously mentioned girls live in.

Let me explain the steps to this unhealthy world of fantasy.

Girl meets Boy.
Boy courts Girl.
They exchange numbers.

Stop right there.

I can’t speak for the boys, but girls are thinking about where this is going. “He asked for my number, he must really like me! Is he going to take me out on a date? What if it goes well? What if he becomes my boyfriend? Who’s family will we have Thanksgiving with? I’ll have a date for the company holiday party!”

Its one day into knowing this person and we’re already planning on replying to every event as “Yes +1.”

Now we can all see that this line of thinking is messed up. It’s crazy. I told you about the cave our minds go into… it’s not a good place. But we can’t help it! Believe me; if I could avoid this, I would, because it gets worse.
Let’s get back to our scenario.

Boy asks Girl out.

I’m sorry; I have to stop you again.

When there is a date, it’s all we can think about. “What am I going to wear? I have to shave my legs. What should I do with my hair? What are we going to talk about? What should I order at dinner? I don’t want to order anything too expensive. Is he going to kiss me? I hope I don’t say anything stupid. Maybe I should go buy a new outfit.”

We worry about all of this because we just want you to like us. What we forgot, thanks to our crazy thinking, is that you do like us. That’s why you asked us out in the first place. Also, you’re probably worried about being liked too. Honestly, at this point, we like you simply because you’ve shown interest in us. That act alone, is worth major points.

Okay so the date.
The date is fine, nothing out of the ordinary.
Let’s go old fashioned with this and say Boy walks Girl to her door, and they kiss good night.

Whoa.

Cue the 50’s girl group music.

Okay, so Boy and Girl are dating. Now the phone is involved. I hate the phone. The phone now controls the destiny of this relationship. Who calls who? The boy should call the girl right? Well it’s 2008. Why can’t the girl call the boy? When the girl calls, it comes off as desperate, or aggressive. Why can’t we just call? We had a good time on that date too. Why should we be made to wait around for the phone to ring? Now excessive calling, yes, that’s not good for either party. But why can’t we just call and say, “I had a nice time. I enjoy your company. Let’s do this again sometime.”?

A week goes by, no call. We’ve now become addicts in recovery to our friends.

“Hi Betty, I’m Kelly, and it’s been one week since my last phone call.”

“Don’t worry Kelly; you’re going to get through this.”

Withdrawal kicks in.

“I can’t take it anymore! I’m going to call! Where’s my phone?”

“Kelly, I took your phone. It’s for your own good!”

“You bitch! Give me my phone back!”

“No. You’re only going to hurt yourself!”

Now we analyze.

“Why hasn’t he called? We both had a good time. We shared some stories, some laughs. What was wrong with me? Was I not skinny enough? Was I not pretty enough? Am I too dumb? Was I too aggressive? Was I not aggressive enough? Did I need to whore it up more? What about me didn’t work?”

It never crosses our mind that maybe it has little to do with us. Maybe the guy just got out of a relationship and realized he’s not ready for another one. Maybe the guy has too much going on with work or has too much baggage to get involved with a girl.

Because none of that crosses our minds, our whole cave comes crashing down. We’re actually upset! Why? We barely know this guy, but we put so much hope into him that we built this fantasy of what the relationship might become. Our happily ever after is no more.

I think that girls just want the fairy tale to happen. Maybe not in a “knight in shiny armor” kind of a way, but we just want to find love. We want to know that things will work out for us. As independent as we can be, we still would like someone to come home to and lay beside. Why build an amazing life for ourselves if we have no one to share it with? Every time I get my hopes up about something, and I’m let down, I do get more jaded and bitter than I was before; but that jewel encrusted cave is still a part of me. I’ll always have hope because I can never give up on myself. No matter how much I may want to, I can never just stop being.

I try to fight them, but I do have these girly thoughts. Yes I do know some details about my wedding to a person that I don’t know yet. (There’s going to be karaoke, my first dance will be to either “Jungle Love” or “Walkin’ on Sunshine,” and my dance with my dad will be to Paul Simon’s “Father & Daughter,” and I plan on singing “What I Like About You.”) Yes, I have my favorite baby names. Yes, I still dream of movie-like scenarios where a guy sweeps me off my feet-literally. I hate that I do, but it’s something I can’t help. I think most girls can’t help that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is:
Every girl has a crazy flag; they’re just not always flying it.

Moving away

Everyone and everything you come in contact with, serves a purpose. I believe that have time limits though. I hate to say that about some situations, but it's true. Friendships fade, you find another job, you move to a different place. How do you know when the time is up? For me, I suppose, it's when I don't enjoy it anymore. It becomes more frustrating than fun, and you have to ask, "Is it worth it?" Is it worth all the pent up anger, and hostility for me to stay in what used to be a safe haven? This fish is out growing her bowl. I don't like that I just compared myself to a fish... but am I one to delete a perfectly fine metaphor? No. Never! I guess what I'm saying is, is that whether I'm being pushed out, or if I'm the one opening the door myself, it's time to go. I have so many bigger and better things to do, things to accomplish! If I stay, I'll be holding myself back and giving me a whopping headache. Not worth it. I hate that it's come to this. I don't like turning my back on anyone or anything. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
It's time to move on and grow.

A Relationship That Has to End

I started working out last month. I'm going to the gym, trying to eat the right foods, and I've been weighing myself each week. I lost 2 lbs after the first week. One tends to get a little cocky after you loose the first couple of pounds. "Wow, maybe I could still squeeze in a Love It size sundae from Cold Stones." The second week I gained 2 lbs, but we're gonna call that muscle. It's true, you do gain muscle, so I just factor it in. The hardest part about loosing weight, is not rationalizing. "I didn't gain 2 lbs of fat, I gained muscle" "I ate an apple today so then I should be able to eat an entire pizza by myself." "I'm on my period, so it's okay to have chocolate." You're constantly wondering how many calories are in a cookie and if you've possibly burned the equivalent calories because you parked as far back as you could in the mall parking lot.

I'm always thinking about food, and I wonder, is food thinking about me? My parents went to Paris and the only thing I could think about was what food they were eating. Not the amazing sights; the Eiffel tower, the Louve, Notre Dame- no! But were they eating croissants, eclairs, and macaroons?! I associate too much with food.

I had a cupcake last week. Not just any cupcake. It was a chocolate cupcake with caramel butter cream frosting topped with toasted coconut, and filled with caramel. It was amazing. I haven't stopped thinking about it! It's because I have regrets. I ate it too fast. I didn't get the chance to savor it. If only I could have one more, and this time, eat it right. Eat it the way it's supposed to be eaten; because something made with so much love and care, shouldn't be eaten barbarically, but with love and attention. Those toasted flakes of coconut shouldn't be taken for granted. They serve a purpose too and should be indulged just as much as the creamy caramel!

You may have noticed that this is more than an obession. The relationship I have with food is a bad relationship. When I'm sad, I turn to food. When I celebrate, I find food. When I'm bored, I hang out with food. I need to to learn not to be so dependent on food.

So where was I...?

Week One: -2lbs
Week Two: +2lbs (remember, that's probably muscle.)
Week Three: -2lbs
Week Four: -2lbs

So far so good. It's not mastering the eliptical, or counting calories that's going to be the hardest part of loosing the weight; it's the willpower. My counter at work is next to a Just Desserts. You don't know what torture until everyday you walk into work, you smell fresh baked cookies.

I'll Hurt the Show...

So I found something I probably wasn't supposed to find, but I did. When you see your name on paper, you can't help but read it. Why am I mentioned? Once I saw who was involved in the exchange of words, I knew what it was about.

I got booked for a show a while back, and apparently, unbeknownst to me, it upset a few people. They felt I was not worthy of a spot in the show. The spokesman for the group said, "Kelly... has not earned her shot...and it's going to hurt your show." "...Kelly McCarron is not ready for a Punchline audience. I promise you...she will hurt the show."

Why say my whole name? That puzzled me. You've already established that I'm the one who you're talking about. Adding my last name- that makes it, in the eyes of the writer, a cold concrete fact. I found that interesting.

"...(booking Kelly) it's foolish, it put a SEVERLY bad taste in the mouths of others..."

That's fine. Really. I've known about this for a while now; though seeing the words on paper- that's a bit different. I was really mad that I had let this get to me. It didn't hit me til about a month after that show happened. It wasn't what was said, have your opinions, it was that I let my performances be affected. Everyday I'm getting better. No one can deny that.

By the way, I had a good set that night, and a lot of the audience came to me afterwards and told me they enjoyed it.

Please, continue to root against me. Tell me I can't do it. Let me know what you really think.

It makes me more determined.

Too Close to Home

When a person keeps a wild animal as a pet, they eventually have to let the animal go. Monkeys. Sure, it would be super cool if you had a pet Monkey, but that monkey will become an adult. It's natural instincts will kick in. You can't keep it domesticated. The monkey will become violent and lash out at you. It has nothing to do with you. You've loved the monkey, took good care of the monkey. You've done all you can. Now it's time to let the monkey go. Set the monkey FREE!



I'm the monkey. Gosh, I do love my metaphors! I am so tired of living at home, yet I can't do anything about it now. I have no money. That makes it hard. It's worse because I know what it's like to live in your own place. I miss my apartment in Orlando. Coming and going as I please. No one asks me questions. Walk around scantily clad. I could have who ever I wanted over, whenever I wanted. It was great! That was 3 years ago. And I can't just pack up and move to middle of nowhere USA where rent is super affordable. I've established the beginning of a life here. My job, my stand up, my friends. This is where my life is. It's just so expensive and I don't make enough money. The job I have now, sure it isn't Great Pay, but the benefit of flying for free-That's Amazing! It's hard. I don't like this. Can't Obama become president and make everything affordable?! Isn't it supposed to work like that? I feel bad that my family is the target of my short temper. I want to be treated like an adult, but since I live at home, they don't see me as an adult. I shouldn't have to say where I'm going. I'm leaving the house-later! I don't feel the need to tell every detail of my day. Only if something important happens will I share.

My sister and I are total opposites. She tells my mom EVERYTHING. I give her information on a need to know basis. She's always happy, cheerful, and positive. I'm bitter, jaded, and have learned about disappointment. She can't take sarcasm and gets offended way too easily. I dish out the sarcasm. She has her friends over all the time. I rarely got to have friends over, and when I did, my mom would say I could have two over. I guess I need a professional to decide why I feel so tense around my sister. Is it simply because she's 16, and I can't stand teenagers as a whole; or is it because her and her friends remind me of the kids I went to high school with- the kids that thought they were better than me- and use this as a chance to get back at them?
I don't hate my sister; please don't get that impression. She's a good kid. She's 16 and isn't partying, or getting knocked up. I guess I just don't understand her. We have different ways of thinking. A great example; listen to comedian Kathleen Madigan's CD "In Other Words." She talks about her and her sister being opposites- it's pretty much the way we are.

Wow, you couldn't have guessed that this post went from Monkeys to my desperation to move out, to the relationship between my sister and myself. But it did.

How Could it Get Worse?

I don't claim to be a fashion guru. I don't know what color is "in" this season. I could care less if you wear white after Labor Day. But there are somethings... just so horrid, I don't know how a person could let themselves go so far.

I saw a man wearing socks and sandals.

Sandals were made with the intent of not wearing socks. Don't mess it up with socks! That's like wearing a beanie under your visor.

But that wasn't enough for some people. No. Someone had to create *gulp* Crocs.

Yes. Crocs. Not only does the name not sound appealing, but have you seen them?!

Yet still, someone had to take it a step farther... just when you thought it was safe to go to the boardwalk, someone's wearing: Socks 'N Crocs!

Though I don't condone the hideous footwear, I would hope that the American people would have the common sense to not wear socks with them. This is a crime and people should be fined.

Okay so now our paylesses have been infected with crocs. I guess it can't get any worse. Unless...

Yes Unless someone decides to create an item so useless, so dumb, that the Crocs customers could only buy into it.

Jibbitz.

Some guy in a business meeting said, "You know those holes in the Crocs, what are they for?"
"Nothing really."
"Well what if we got something to stick in them, and have stars, and clouds, and cartoon characters on them."

AND someone said, YES. That's a GREAT idea!

Jibbitz are like charms on a charm bracelet, but for the holes in your Crocs.

Crocs and Socks and Jibbitz, Oh FUCKING My!

Some may argue for Crocs...

They're comfortable, they're accessible, they're convienent...

SO WERE FANNY PACKS!

Crocs are the New Millenium's Fanny Pack

I suppose they're okay for children, but they are not something for adults.

The next time you think, "Hey, I think I'll try a pair of Crocs out." Imagine yourself wearing a fannypack, and never getting laid again.

The Interactive Story

There are interactive story books for kids. You read so much of the story, and then you choose what happens next. "You're at a fork in the road, go left or right?" If you choose left, you go to a certain page, and continue your story. Choose right, you go to a different page on a different journey. Now with these books, you can read them multiple times. You can cheat and read ahead to see what happens in both options. When life hands you two choices... you can't foresee what happens as a result of your decision. Decisions are tough. Pondering what might have been, can be heartwrenching. I wonder; is there some alternate universe where someone is reading my story, and choosing my paths for me? Choosing for all of us. I suppose some would argue that person reading is God. I would disagree. If it would have to be a variety of people, or lifeforms, reading our stories. Reading, and being in control; making our lives wonderful, tragic, humerous, or safe. It's out of my hands. Right? I'd hate to think that I'm missing out on anything grand. I should stop questioning myself. I made a small decision a year ago, and it's propelled me to a level that I thought I would never achieve. If it's not me, someone's doing something right.

I find this stuff FUNNY

Your Voice.

Remember in The Little Mermaid, when Ursula takes Ariel's voice away inexchange for her legs? I imagine that when your ability to speak is taken away, you get a clearer idea of what you really want to say. We all have opinions, thoughts, and feelings. I've been given the opprotunity to go on stage and tell countless of people what I think. So what do I want to tell people with my comedy? Some choose to show audiences how dirty they can be. Others emphisize on stereotypes. Ladies can gab about dating and how it sucks -"Ladies am I right?" What do I want to say. What am I passionate about? What can I talk about that will make me a unique voice?

I have found one common thread among everything I have said on stage. I've been pointing out the ridiculousness in everything: How ridiculous celebrities are. How ridiculous taunting nicknames are. How ridiculous labels are. How ridiculous girls my age are. How ridiculous our society is.

Lighten up people! Let's not take life so seriously, and enjoy it once in a while!

What do you want to say?

I Couldn't Even Say, "Hi"

My relationship with my brother, is pretty nonexistant. We only remain to have a relationship because of our dna. I've tried to make amends in the past, but it seems he has never cared.

I saw him yesterday. I was given notice before I went to work that he would be flying out on my airline last night. I was a wreck. What do I do when I see him? What do I say? Then there he was. I was at the gate counter and he walked by it and took a seat. He was ten feet away from me. He knew I was working there; I was in plain sight. Nothing. I wrestled with the idea of saying, "Hi". Maybe I should just say Hi. I couldn't do it. What comes after "Hi"? I wouldn't have had anything to say. And what would he say? I'm positive he would have looked at me with a screwed look on his face, the kind that implies, "What do you want?" I wouldn't have been able to finish the rest of my day if I saw that face. I left the counter, and went home.

What hurts the most is that he doesn't even care about who I am. He never has. He has just taken what he has seen, and made up a character for me. He sees me as a disgusting waste of space loser. He sees that I'm a slob, I live at home, and I dropped out of college. When I was in high school, I was depressed a lot, and how I delt with it, was I would eat. I didn't care what I ate, or what time it was... I ate, it was my was comfort. He's all healthy and runs and shit, and he would see me making a bowl of ice cream at 10am, and just be so disgusted by me. That judgement added another scoop. He thinks I'm a screw up. He doesn't know one real thing about me.

I didn't say Hi, because I wouldn't have heard what I wanted to hear...maybe needed to hear. "Mom and Dad sent me some of your standup. You're pretty good." He wouldn't say that. He wouldn't watch something about me. "How's the job going?" He wouldn't say that. He wouldn't want to hear me talk about myself. "I'm sorry." He wouldn't say that, because he thinks he did nothing wrong. He wouldn't say that because he is unaware of the pain he's caused. He wouldn't say that because... because he could care less about me and my feelings, and my life.

So I didn't say, "Hi"

I Don't Know How Madonna Does It...

Reinventing yourself is hard work. Madonna, you have my respect.

Another comedian going out of their way to tell a Booker that they shouldn't have booked you; that's a motivator.

I love proving people wrong, but right now, it's more about proving to myself what I'm capable of doing.

I'm laying it all out there. I will give 100% in my performances, even in open mics. I will not settle for less. Wake me up from a deep sleep, and I'll be ready to perform. This is it people. No turning back. I'm moving forward full speed a head.

I pretty sure I know who I am on stage, and I only hesistate because I know it takes years to find who you are on stage. I just wonder if it's possible to find it sooner.

I have all the tools necessary; now I just need to put them to use.

Here goes.

Too Late to Change?

When you change something about yourself, you start to think about your life, the decisions you've made, and why; the cause and effect. Loosing weight is something that I've wanted to do for a long time. I've tried but have never been successful. Why is that, I wonder? Well, after a lot of thinking, I've realized that I use my weight as an excuse. My size is my scapegoat. It's why guys don't approach me, or want to date me. Every rejection I've faced is because I am not a size 4. Jack dumped me because he wanted to date Lori (who was skinnier than me). Tommy didn't want to date me, but Gina (who was skinnier than me). Sam wanted to date anyone else but me, because I was too fat. Nobody wants to start conversations with me at a party because I'm too fat. Older, creepy men at bars and clubs only talk to me because they see that I'm not skinny, and know my self esteem is low-I'm a wounded gazelle, and they're hungry and ready to pounce. Is that really the reason all those things happened? Maybe not, but that's how I've rationalized them in my head. Now let's be optimistic and say I loose the extra weight; do my problems go away? I fear that I'll loose the weight and keep the problems. I'll have to look at myself and realize that it was not my physical appearance that all the previously mentioned happened. It had to do with who I am; and that, that just kills me. Because you can't help who you are...can you?
My life keeps throwing people into my world reminding me of one thing: There will always be someone better than me.
In dating, comedy, school, work, life. There'll always be a better alternative to me. Never will I come out on top.
I need to reclaim myself. I know I'm an awesome person. But with the way my life is...
It's like playing poker, and you have a royal flush in your hand. You're excited to bet, you can't lose! But everyone folds in the first round. No one is anxious to see what you hold in your hand. You never get the chance to reveal to everyone what you have.
Another problem that has been pointed out to me is that I don't talk to people. I don't like talking to people I don't know. That sounds ridiculous, because, that's how you meet new people, you talk to them. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fear my mother instilled in me as a child. Stranger Danger. She always warned me how dangerous strangers can be. What did you get for Christmas when you were 10? I got a rape whistle. She warned me because she loved me, but the way she did it is not working out in my favor as an adult. I'm very apprehensive to people I don't know.
In social settings, like a friend's party for instance; I know the host, but everyone else is new to me, that's fine. But I have no idea what to say. I don't want to come off as uninteresting, lame, or annoying. I freeze up and become a wallflower, just waiting for someone else to start a conversation. Have you ever gone up to a group of people, and worked yourself into a conversation and you can feel that your presence is unwanted. I have. It's one of the worst feelings in the world, and I try to avoid it at all costs. It hurts my socializing, but it saves me from that feeling.
Now when I'm out in public, say I'm in line at a fast food restaurant, and the guy in front of me tries to start a conversation, I try to stop it. Why is he talking to me? I'm not here to have a conversation; I'm here to get a burger. I think of the reasons why he started the small talk. (By the way, I should mention that I hate small talk. I think it is stupid. Its little things that nobody cares about, but they keep talking about them. The weather? Really. I have eyes, I can see. I don't need to talk about it. "Your name is Kelly; my daughter's name is Kelly." So. It's a common name. There's nothing interesting about that. But you have to sound like you are otherwise people think you're a bitch. Am I a bitch? Hmm... Maybe I am. But this is how I feel. I digress.) So why did this guy start small talk with me? Is he interested in me? I'm not interested in him, and I don't want him to think I am, so I defuse the conversation. Does he want to lure me away from safety and harm me? Then I definitely want to get my burger to go! Or, is it possible that he is just a random nice guy, trying to strike up a conversation with a nice looking girl while he waits for his order...? Did you pick the third option…? I thought you would. I didn't. Why would someone do that? That is not normal for me. It doesn't make sense! I need to change that thought process. It's holding me back. I wonder if it's too late to correct my behavior. It sounds ridiculous, but maybe I need training. A social coach; because that's not embarrassing right?
If you want your life to change, you have to make change. I am going for it. It's not going to be easy, but I am setting out to change a lot of things in my life. What's odd about all of this is that loosing the weight, that's going to be the easiest goal to accomplish.

Looking Up and Forward to The Fat Pack.

Okay... I believe I'm done with the self-loathing. I'm feeling better about myself and how others are around me. I got way in to my head.

Things I'm Really Excited About:

1. My new work schedule. It's my schedule from June-Labor Day (what, really? That's busy for the Airlines?) and I'm ecstatic! afternoon/evenings with Friday/Saturdays off! I don't have to wake up early, I can go out at night, and still do my shows on the weekends! This is awesome!

2. THE FAT PACK.
yes. THE FAT PACK.
Joe Nguyen is producing this 6 episode web series. It's a mockumentary of four comics in a weight loss challenge. Watch Joe, myself, Adam McLaughlin, and Deb Campo fight to loose! I don't want to give away anything, but it's going to ROCK! Stay Tuned for that.

3. Ice Cream Sandwiches.
They're just delightful my friend (see above... makes sense doesn't it?)

meh-the analytical follow up

I've been in a self-loathing mood. I think that deep down, I find it hard to believe that people like me. I think that I'm annoying people right now. I don't know... it's just the vibe I'm getting. I feel like I'm in the way. I'm bothersome. Like, "Great, here comes Kelly, again! Can't she take a hint?" I keep thinking about the New York show. My interpretation: Nobody in that audience liked me. They didn't want to give me a chance. All the other comics tell me differently, but that's the impression I got. This is just one of those things that I have to suck up and deal with. Maybe I am in everyone's face a little too much. Yeah, I put a lot of time and energy into comedy. That's all I want to do. So when I share my ideas with others, I expect them to be just as excited about it. But I forget that they have full time jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, families... What do I have? I work 20-30 hours a week, I'm dateless, and I live at home. Of course I'm going to spend all my energy into comedy. I want to write sketch, I want to make short films, I want to do so much. I want to work on all of this while I have the drive to do it. I sometimes feel like giving up. Who cares, right? But then they win. I don't even know who "they" are, but I do not like loosing!

I expect a lot out of myself, maybe too much. I always feel the need to be the best, and in comedy, I know I'm not the best. I sometimes wonder if I'm really as funny as people say I am. I act like I have a lot of confidence, but I really doubt myself a lot behind closed doors. Maybe I'm not that funny... Maybe I'm not that fun to be around... Maybe I'm not that good looking...

We all have insecurities. We all have doubts. We all wonder what people think about us. When it comes down to it, all that matters is what we think about ourselves. It's hard to figure out how you feel about yourself when you pick up all sorts of vibes from other people. It clouds your judgement. I know that I'm in a funk. I'll be out of it soon. I just have to keep reminding myself of all the qualities I have that make me great; that make me who I am.

I should have a talk show where I sum up the entire hour in an inspirational monologue, like Oprah, or Jerry Springer....

meh.

It's 3am, and I feel crappy. I feel crappy about myself. I don't like that I feel this way; but I do. I feel like I'm in people's way. Do you ever feel like that? I'll be over this by tonight... I should be. I feel unwanted right now... yes, it's 3am, I don't expect anyone to need me at this time of night/morning...but I mean in general. I feel like the annoying little sister tagging along with you and your friends, and you just want to get rid of me, but you can't because mom would get so pissed off at you. Wow...maybe my brother did mentally mess me up...

hmmm....

well I should be over this soon... just thought I'd express instead of bottle it all up.

Women Aren't Funny...they can't be...Ladies am I Right?

I can't believe that people have wasted their time researching and writing articles about how woman are not funny.

"When a female comic gets on stage, I KNOW I can't relate to her, so I just tune her out."

What a Maroon!

I'm very fortunate to be coming up in the time I am. Amazing writers and performers like Tina Fey, and Amy Pohler, are showing the world that woman can be funny, talented, and damn sexy while doing it. (You know that their comedy flick is the NUMBER 1 in the country right? Take that Jude Apatow.... well don't you're fuckin' brilliant too, I respect you.I've just gotten on a "girl power" kick that hasn't been seen since the Spice Girls debuted)

I've never considered myself a femmist. Not in the least. I like that I can vote, but I don't feel the urge to burn my bra to symbolize something... Bras are expenisive, and have given me a lot of support. I suppose I was given the impression that it didn't matter WHAT you are, but WHO you are to be successful in whatever you want to do. It doesn't matter your race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, age, and certainly your gender. If you want to do something, do it.

I am 21 years old. I live at home with my parents. I can't manage money. My best friend is a wife and mother. I have never been on a date. I haven't spoken to my brother in years. I hate teenagers.

I have a voice.

My voice is fresh and unique and damnit, I know I'm funny. The audience decides that, and I know when they burst into hysterical laughter, or after a show tell me that I was their favorite; I know.

This is all I want to do.

If you want to judge me because I'm a girl, go ahead. Judge me on something I had to control over.

A man gets on stage at a comedy show, the audience ASSUMES he's funny.

I get on that same stage, I have to PROVE myself to that same audience. Not only is my job a little bit harder than yours, but sometimes, I do it better.

Not just me. See Maggie Newcomb, Dana Lovecchio, Lilibeth Helson.... the list goes on.

All brilliant, talented, HILARIOUS women.


So say I'm not funny simply because I'm a girl. Say it to my face. I would love nothing more than to prove you wrong.

New York, New York, it's a Helluva Town

I went to New York City to grow as an artist.
I spent hundreds of dollars on workshop classes. I had to cover my airfare and hotel as well. The only way I could do that was to cut a deal. I'll cover the flight, if someone covers the hotel. I had a bite.
Wednesday Night, Veronica and I left on a red eye. I was excited to see everyone! ("Everyone" quickly: Kurtis-owner/teacher of sfcc, Melissa-works with Kurtis, Richie-books comics, & the other SFCC Comics: Ken, Debbie, Susan, Scotch, Jason A, Jason R, Dave C., Jeff, & Hark)

Thursday, Veronica and I get to our hotel...I'm sorry, our Hostel. I didn't pay for any of it, so at this point, I really don't have any say... We get to the room and open the door. An almost empty room. There's a small sink, and TV on a shelf too high to reach (with no remote in sight), a nightstand, and ONE bed. "Why is there only one bed?" What does your reservation say Veronica? "There should be two beds, it says I ordered a double." Um. That's the size of the bed. The SIZE of the ONE bed. Fun. Anyway.
We went to 30 Rock. We took the NBC Studio tour. It was ruined by 20 teenagers who took the tour with us.

Things the teenagers did to annoy me:

1. In line, there are pictures of celebrities who have been there. They were taking pictures of the pictures of their favorite stars.

2. They're teenagers.

3. In Studio 8H (SNL Stage) one asked, "So when did the show go from an hour to an hour & a half?" I snapped, "It's always been an hour & a half!!!" and the then tour guide piped in.

4. When they found out Shia Lebouf was hosting next week one responded, "Shia Lebouf, is like, MahLife!"

5. They're teenagers.

We then met up with some of the other comics at Kurtis' hotel (which looked like a 3 bedroom apartment).After the mingling, some of us went to the Comedy Cellar to see Dave Attell with other comics as well. Seeing the difference from SF to NYC was interesting. They handle their audiences differently. We hung out with Dave Attell and some other comics afterwards for a bit. It was cool.

Friday Morning. Workshop #1. @ Caroline's Comedy Club

I met the rest of the comic crew from SoCal. Jane, David T., & Ilene. Linda was a new teacher to everyone. Overall... she told me I needed to slow down and that I was good. Tell me something I don't know. It was fun to perform for my peers, but I didn't get anything out of it. Went to lunch with Jason A, Veronica, Ken, and David Wilmore (David's filming us for the Reality Show).

We then ventured off for cheap tickets for a broadway show. I found Orchestra seats @ $85 ea. for Young Frankenstein. SWEET!It was AWESOME!!!! So Mel Brooks. I love it when he goes Musical... I want to see Robin Hood Men in Tights next on Broadway.
Went out for some drinks. There were these two guys that were acting really lame. They told us they were in town for the draft. While talking with Jason, I told him, "Those guys could have drafted me, but they blew it." When we left the bar, Veronica & I are leaving and Jason goes to those guys, "Hey guys, have fun at your draft tomorrow, and just to let you know, you could have drafted those two girls." "WHAT?! Why are you telling me this now?!" Classic. Good night.

Saturday Morning. Workshop # 2.

The guy never showed up. The SFCC has worked with this guy before, but for some reason he didn't show. We think there was an emergency, because it doesn't seem like him to flake. We worked in Bryant Park with Kurtis and Joanie Fagan (3 Blonde Moms tour) It was fun just doing comedy in the park. With David filming, tourists thought we were "Somebody."Joanie really liked me. She said that when the 3 Blonde Moms are in town, that I could open for them. SWEET!!! That's Amazing!
Jason A., Jeff, and myself went to Toys R Us in Time Square. There's a Ferris Wheel in there and Jason & I wanted to ride it. Jeff, took pictures. We got the My Little Pony Car. YES! Jeff had this huge camera, he looked like a pedophile. We had a good time. Jason and I realized we had already accumulated a good amount of photos together. "My wife's going to look at these photos and ask, 'So how many dates did you and Kelly go on?'" We made jokes about it the rest of the trip. I am not an adulteress. Geez!!! We just joked, it's what we do!!!
We had a group dinner. I had way too many drinks for just a dinner, but OH WELL! Then David met up with me and the Jasons afterwards to film us having a night in the city. Basically, he just got shots of me taking shots. Whatever... it was fun. David's a cool guy.

Sunday Morning. Workshop #3. Show @ Gotham.

I love working with Eddie Brill. Eddie books the comedians for The David Letterman Show. He's been in stand up for almost 30 years. He's great. Class is amazing. We're just absolutely honest with each other. Eddie said my 1940s booty call joke is "Brilliantly written" I just need to work on slowing down the performance. "BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN" That's astounding to hear! I'm on the right track.
We had a show to do at Gotham Comedy Club - The #1 Comedy Club in AMERICA. Kurtis wanted to put someone strong up first... that was me. The audience was just of people there to see a specific comic. I don't know anyone in NYC, so I had no one to see me. I did fine. Everyone said I did better than I thought. I just felt like the audience felt, "I'm here to see someone that's not you, so move along." I've never been so upset about a show. I almost cried when I told Kurtis how I felt.

Jason & I went out for dinner, ice cream, and drinks. (another "date") Jason and I had a really great heart to heart. He helped me realize that I have time. I think the reason I'm not, and haven't been in a relationship with a "man friend" (as jason calls them) is because I'm SUPPOSED to work on my career. I'm supposed to be writing and performing. It's going to work out for me, I just have to stay focused. I had a hard time swallowing those thoughts Jason gave me, but it took an online article on Amy Pohler for me to Understand it. She's expecting her first baby, at 36, and she has this amazing career. Maybe I can do it all.

Monday Night. Private Tour of the Letterman Set.

It is what it sounds. Eddie showed us the Letterman set. I sat at his desk. I sat in the guests seats. I had a ball. It was amazing!

I had so much fun with the other comics. I'm really coming away with a really good friend in Jason, and more insight about my comedy.

As comics, we get up on stage and are given the opprotunity to tell the world what we think. It's a powerful position. I see so many female comics doing the same type of material. I get it! You're single, guys are stupid, dating's weird, and you have daddy issues. I get it!!! What else? I really like that about me. I have different ideas, and I feel that it seperates me from others. I believe my message is to not take everything so seriously. I point out the ridiculous in everyday life.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!

Europe

Tuesday morning I got dressed, put on my scarf and jacket, threw my hair up in a somewhat sloppy, yet somewhat stylish looking ponytail and went out. My mission was clear: Bring back bread and juice. I smelled a wonderful little store on the street corner. "Bonjour. deux croissants et jus. Et un bagette. Merci. Au revoir" I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror. A stylish looking girl carrying a bagette. I felt so Parisian. It's sad to leave such simplicity; but reflectiong on this past week lights up my eyes and makes me smile.

Amsterdam

After traveling all day; Dana and I finally arrived in Amsterdam Wednesday morning. Despite it's chilling winds, the city is beautiful. The arcitecture, the canals, people sitting outside of cafes having their morning breakfast. Amsterdam certainly has it's charm. We walked through the Anne Frank Huis; which was just mesmorizing, and chilling. We saw the Van Gough museum and marveled at his paintings while learning about how Van Gough came to be as an artist. We did what most American tourists do, and went into a coffee shop to make a purchase. Bicyclists rule the street and smoking inside is allowed. Amsterdam is absolutely gorgeous.

Then the sun went down and the red lights came on.

With our hostel being located in the middle of the red light district, there was no avoiding it. As Dana and I walked through the crimson lit streets we noticed that we were the only women not behind a glass door. Herds of men window shopped up and down the streets. Dana and I tried to encourage some of them to buy something or leave the market; almost as though we earned a commission. I think one guy walked by us and asked up "how much?" but I'm not sure. I was absolutely fascinated by the Ladies of the Night. Young, old, fat, skinny, white, black, eager, bored-They have a wide variety to choose from. Their behavior behind the glass door was just as interesting as I'm sure their resume is. Usually, the younger girls acted as if they didn't know they were being looked at. Their eyes would wander so not to make eye contact. Some ladies were bored. I suppose any job will make you feel bored at some point. My favorite were the ladies who just didn't care anymore. They just let it all out there. They didn't care if they got a hundred offers or none at all. Before I continue, I must inform you that Dana & I had been drinking pretty consistantly from about 5pm. We talked, we laughed, we bonded. It was delightful. Now back to the Red Light District. We walked by Amsterdam's Moulin Rouge: A Live Sex Show. The guys at the door were trying to get us to go in. "Girls, girls! Get some culture! 25 euros and you'll get 2 free drinks!" Dana looked at me and said with hesistation in her voice..."What do you think?" I looked her straight in the eyes with all the confidence a drunk girl could have (which is a lot) and said, "Let's do this."Oh, the things we saw. We stumbled into the club with an act in progress. The, let's just call her a "dancer," was performing a striptease to an audience member she had brought up on stage. Shen then got a vibrator -prop dancers pssshah- and began playing with it near the audience member. I didn't believe she was really pleasing herself. I'm being so critical- Let's move on to act number two. Dancer number was ugly. She was. There's just no way of covering that up. Her act consisted of four audience members eating a banana from various parts of her body. I guess that's one way to get your helping of potassium. Then came the main event: A couple having sex onstage. Not only did the pair have sex, but it was choreographed to music. The show started all over again. We see a dancer we missed from the eariler show. She's wrapped in ribbon. As a lad from the audience pulls the ribbon, she becomes naked. You would think that the ribbon would end, but it didn't. There must have been a spool in her cooch because it just didn't stop! Then the acts were repeated. When the banana lady came back she asked Dana and I to join her onstage. "Fuck it, why not?" We sat there onstage with two other participants as the dancer stripped. Then came the banana. She held the banana betwixed her legs and told me to take a bite. I did. I didn't want to be rude and I do need more fruit in my diet. We left the club after that. Really, what else could top that? We left the venue in absolute hysterics. We went in search of more fun.

Back at prostitute lane, there were many prospective buyers. We saw a few windows closed-someone sealed the deal. I noticed a number above one of the doors. Was this a reservations line? Perhaps a customer service number? Dana and I started talking with two gentlemen from Olso. We encouraged them to make a purchase. "Which one do you want? Come on, you're in Amsterdam!" One of the guys said he gave a girl 50 euros and she took it without doing anything. I pointed to the number on the wall, "You need to call that number and speak to a manager, or someone in customer service! You paid for a service and you should be entitled to it!"

Dana and I made it back to the hostel around 2am, and had one more shot before bed. The next morning was our last day in the city. I couldn't help but walk around the city with a huge, dopey grin on my face. You know that grin; the same one you have after an amazing night of sex. Yes. I had an amazing night of passion with Amsterdam and I felt great! I was sad to board our train to Paris.

We rode the 4 hour train ride in style... Okay... not really. We had a wheel of cheese and a box of Triscuts. Delicious my friends! We were suppose to be met at the train station by my cousin Justin, but he wasn't feeling well, so his wife Sophie met us instead. Paris is beautiful at night. The next day Dana and I went to go explore the Cattacombs. "Closed for Alterations." What? Are they putting more dead bodies in there? Lame.

Paris certainly wasn't as thrilling as Amsterdam, but it was wonderful. Justin was an excellent guide to the city, not just for geography problems, but for history of the city as well. It was great talking about our crazy family and getting another's perspective on it. Dana and I spent most of our time eating. Yes. Bagettes, cheese, crossiants, wine, tequila...okay maybe that last one isn't so "French" but still delightful.

Now, I had written all of this on a Tuesday. Tuesday we were suppose to leave.

We didn't.

See, getting the great deals I get for flights as an employee of an airline, there are some drawbacks. Mainly... we fly standby. I checked the flight loads before we left and they were fine. Plenty of seats were available. But Tuesday they didn't have the Airbus plane... There was an aircraft swap and so they had a smaller plane. Meaning they went from extra seats, to being overbooked. No hope. We took the train back to Justin and Sophie's place and found a hostel that had room. Okay... Tomorrow.

Wednesday we did the same routine. Got up early, went to the train station, waited at the airport. Dana and I joked that this was our sick version of "Ground Hog's Day."

Well since the day before was overbooked, they had standbys for this new flight. Another aircraft swap! We were seatless again. Back to the hostel, hoping there was room... there was.

One more time now.

Yes. Finally! A seat!!! We have seats on this plane!!! Never have I been more excited to go to Philadelphia!!! As Dana and I waited for seats to S.F. we saw many other people waiting on standby. They all have proirity over us. They had two seats left and everyone else were in parties of 3 or 4. "We're a party of 2!!!!" We were in!!! Not so fast. There was a party of 1. I pleaded with him, saying that we were stuck in France for 2 days, and that I had work the next day at 6am. All true. He had none of it. He boarded. One seat. I asked that if I took that last seat if they could assure me that Dana could get home the next day, no problems. (When you fly with a friend, they have to travel with you... but they were saying I could have the seat...) They said they'd list her for tomorrow morning. I gave Dana my phone, since her's was dead, told her to call my parents to explain, and I boarded. I felt like shit the whole time on the plane. I was so worried about Dana making her flight. I hoped that they didn't misunderstand me when I asked if she could fly without me. At work today I asked the airline if she was on the plane. She was. *SIGH* What a relief! Finally the trip is OVER!

We definetely had an amazing time, and couldn't imagine having the trip I did anyone but Dana. We're awesome! We totally got 5-10minutes out of this trip too!

my heart hurts.

Have you ever had something that just felt so right; everything about it is just absolutely perfect...except the timing.




It sucks.




My heart hurts. It's a hurt I've never felt before. I cried. I cried a good long time. Maybe I was making up for all the other times I felt I should be crying and didn't. I now realize that I'm more involved than I thought I was; than I admitted.







It started as such a wonderful morning. Being wrapped in his arms, though a new experience, felt like I'd been accustomed to it for years. Our fingers naturally interlocked without hesitation. I would have unplugged all the clocks I could find just on the off chance that it might make time stop. I looked over for a minute and thought, "I could wake up like this everyday."




It pains me to know that I'll never wake up to that.



There are movies about a guy who's engaged and his guy friends take him out for a crazy night. While out with his buddies, he meets a girl at the bar. This girl amazes him. She opens his eyes to exciting, new ideas and experiences. She makes him feel like a better person. He finds that he wants to spend his free time with this new girl. He now has a dilemma; Stay with the woman who he's been with for years, who he has a history with; or see where this exciting new woman can take him, and see what becomes of it.




He always stays with his fiancee.




I'm the girl at the bar.

I never want to be the girl that comes between to people on purpose. The girl who consciously makes moves on a guy who's taken. I wouldn't want that to happen to me. Why would a girl do that to another girl? But for a brief moment, I understood why some girls do that. Maybe if something happens, he'll realize what I've known all along.







He won't. It's possible, just not probable.







Until now, I didn't realize how much of my heart was invested. I thought it was something I put behind me. Over the course of a year I had been with another person; almost started dating another. It would have seemed as if I had moved on. Looking back on it now, I see that they were beautiful distractions. I couldn't think about him if there was someone else kissing me, and I didn't.



Logically, I feel that I should immediately find someone new; like I'm an addict replacing one bad habit with a less harmful habit. Find someone else to give me butterflies. Find someone else's arms to be wrapped in. My heart though, my heart doesn't want someone else to give me butterflies. My heart wants me to be wrapped in his arms.



The mind and the heart, though share the common goal of wanting what's best for you, are very different. The mind can tell you, "You know, this just isn't going to happen, get over it, and move on." But, and not to sound cliche, "The heart wants what it wants." The heart drives you to do things you never thought possible all in the name of passion. It's what makes people go the distance, and overcome any obstacle that comes their way. Now your mind and your heart are dueling. Your heart says you want him, but your mind says you can't have him. "Why?" "Because I said so." That's not a good enough reason for the heart. As if my thinking isn't already screwed up enough, I now have to deal with this!



I was just reading through what I had already written, and just noticed that I have yet to use the word, "love." I've never been in love. I think to be in love, somebody needs to be in love with you in return. What I'm feeling now, I'm not quite sure what it is. I don't think it's love, I think it's a start; it's the start of something that maybe the absolute greatest. What hurts is that I'll never know. Not knowing what this feeling is capable of being crushes me. The unknown is so powerful. It makes you create illusions of a wonderful life. How amazing would my life be if it went this way? And even though you don't know if that amazing life will happen; even if the possibilities are slim; even if, nothing in your life has gone right; the possibility of something great happening by going into the unknown, is worth the journey. I would much rather try and be disappointed than never know at all.



I may have just contradicted myself.

Since No One is Interviewing Me...

What did you have for breakfast? Cookies. I didn't work today, so I sort of bypassed breakfast.
Who do you love? My best friend. My family. I'm not "in love" with anyone though.
Where were you born? Oakland. That makes me automatically hardcore.
Where are you? My bed. Jealous?!
Where do you wish you were? I don't know...I'm pretty comfy...
Are you happy with your life? So far so good. It's definetly on a good path.
Do you cry a lot? No. I used to, but in the last few years it's been harder for me to do that.
Do you make people angry? Probably. I don't like people, so I give the attitude.
Do you like who you are? Yeah. I'm pretty awesome.
Are you random? Sometimes.
Do you like the cold? No. Not at all. Although, I do look adorable all bundled up.
Do you like the heat? Yes. I actually like humidity!
Aren’t thunderstorms awesome? No. They are scary. They're only awesome if you have someone to be with...
Do you like to walk in the rain? Sure. I just don't like my socks to get wet.
Isn’t walking in the leaves romantic? How is that romantic? No. No it's not.
Do you have any one in mind that you want to walk in the leaves with? No. I don't want to walk in leaves at all. Can we jump in a raked pile of them? That's a good time.
Do you like expensive things? Depends on what it is... I'm not very materialistic though.
Have you been called a slut before? So much that I think Joe N. think it's my first name.
Did it bother you? Nah.
Why do you smile? Because a happy thought enters my brain and that sends a signal to my face to make me smile.
What makes you smile? A lot of things. Friends, fond memories...
Do people asking you too many questions in a row bother you? Depends if the questions are annoying and/or stupid...or creepy.
Why? uh... seriously?!
Do you like cameras? Yeah. I'm a fan.
Do you like taking pictures? I do. I haven't taken any in a while... Just too busy I suppose.
What is the weather like outside? Cold and dark. I guess "dark" isn't a weather related term..but I'm not a meterologist, so whatever.
Are you happy you are alive? Yeah. Are you trying to talk me into something?
What or who makes life worth living? The people in your life.
Do they feel the same about you? I'd hope so.
Do you like looking up at the stars? No. They don't do anything. They just shine there.
Ever wanted to go into a black hole thinking it may take you back in time or forward in time? No.
Ever thought you were in love? Yes. It wasn't, but God, did it hurt.
Do you like puzzles? I do. I like those mosaic puzzles. I'm so good at them. I'm like a genius!
How about word searches? I'll do them, but I'm not addicted.
Do you like coloring? I do! It's quite theraputic. You become so focused on coloring in the lines, it clears your mind.
Can you stay in the lines? Yup!...sometimes...
What do you like better, colored pencils, crayons, or markers? I like using markers to outline and pencils to shade in... I'm artsy.
Can you type fast? I can. This took me 3 seconds to type.
What have you been labeled? Smart, ditzy, slutty, a goody goody, those are opposites... interesting...
Do you want to move? Yes!
If yes where do you want to move to? San Francisco right now...
How come? Because that's where everything is happening.
Do you think the one you love is taking you over? I don't think I'm in love with him... but he has consumed my thoughts. I wonder if it's reciprocated.
Are you a geek? I'm more of a dork.
Are you good at math? I'm hella good at basic algebra. I kind of like solving algebra problems...see...dork!
Are you good at history? Not so much. I should be. I'm the product of two history majors.
Are you good at English? Yeah. I'm fluent.
Are you good at science? Nope.
What other languages do you speak? High school spanish. iHola! Mi llama es.... Donde esta el bano?...puta.
Can you count in them? uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco, ses, sienta, ocho, nueve, dias. like a rockstar!!!
Do you think you are a nice person? I'm a very nice person!
What is the worst pain you’ve ever felt? Beside emotional heartbreak? Gallstones. That or the complication that occurred after my surgery.
Where is your favorite place to be? Anywhere with friends.
Do you want to die? I think eventually I will...only because if you live forever, everyone you love eventually dies...
What did you have for lunch? mickey d's. I'm healthy.
What do you have in your cup/bottle? pepsi.
Do you smoke? nope
Do you drink? yup.
Do you like swimming? nah.
Have you ever swam in the ocean? I have... not all its cracked up to be.
Swam on the waves? waves do tend to be in the ocean.
Was it fun? eh.
Have you ever walked out on the break water to a light house? what? I don't understand... no.
Ever been inside the light house? nope.
Ever climbed rocks? I think so....but it was not premeditated.
Was it fun? no. I'm sure I was holding on for dear life.
Who did you do it with? I don't know.
Did they have fun? Probably not. I was probably whining the whole time.
Do you like the ocean? We're back on the ocean? It's pretty to look at. That's it.
Why? Cause I don't like getting wet, the water's cold, and sand. Sand gets everywhere!
Name two people you miss really badly: Allison, Chris, and Kristi. I know that's 3 but um...I don't care.
Where are they? Arizona, Florida, Florida
Have you lost any one close to you? My dog.
Ever witnessed some one dieing? :( my dog
Do you know who it was? wow... yes
Ever been to any funerals? yes
Do you like funerals? no. they are sad.
Are you morbid? no...but I think you are.
Do you know what the word Exodus means? If so explain: Isn't that a part of the Bible?
Do you know what the word Eccentric means? If so explain: Isn't it being random, or risky...
Do you know what the word Solitude means? If so explain: It means that you're really good at Solitaire.
Do you think you are smart? Smarter than a 5th grader...booyah!!!
What grade are you in? I'm a high school graduate with some college... BITCH!!!
Do you want to go to college? nope.
What do you want to be? Funny
Do you have a job? Yes
Do you like it? Yeah
Do you get along with your boss? So far so good.
Do you get along with your parents? For the most part.
Do you have any siblings? Yes
Do you get along with them? My sister is 16...it's a complex relationship. My younger bro yes, the other...no.
Have you ever been in a fist fight? No, But I kinda wanna be in one. I want to see if I've got a "nice right hook"
Have you ever gotten detention? nope
Have you ever been suspended? in-house suspension...Intimidated?!Have you ever been expelled? Nope
How many nicknames you got? Nobody calls me by nicknames anymore.
What are they? Kellkerson, Kiwi, Kewee... I think that's it.
Who gave them to you? Friends.
Have you ever passed out from being drunk? I passed out from being tired, from drinking and staying up late.
Have you ever had sex? yes.
If yes who was your first? some lame-o
If no who do you want to be your first? If I could do it over again... Jake Gyllenhaal.
What is your worst habit? Nail biting.
Do you have any animals? Nope.
Are you cold? A little chilly.
Are you happy? Overall...yes... At this moment... I'm a bit torn.
Are you sad? A little. Okay, more than a little, not quite a lot.
Are you confused? YES!!!
What time is it? 23:10 that's right...military time!!! What What?!
When do you have to go to bed? Whenever I wanna!
Do you believe in magic? In a young girl's heart.
Do you have your own room? Yes
How many windows are in your room? 1
What size bed do you have? a twin? I guess I could fit another one of me on here.
Do you do your own laundry? yup.
Do you want to get married? I do. I mean, yes.
Do you want kids? Yeah.
Do you like doing surveys? It's something to do. I think that if I didn't, I wouldn't be doing this.
Is any one mad at you? Not that I know of.
What is bothering you right now? A boy. Why he did what he did. What's his angle?!
Who do you truly hate? Hate really is strong... but... Jessica Simpson.
Does any one like you? Probably...no.
Are you shy? I am when with people I don't know.
Have you ever asked any one out? yes
What’s your relationship status? single
What is your sexual orientation? straight
What color is your room? baby blue.
What color is your bathroom? moss green
How many times have you moved? 6 times. (most were in the same town)Do you like clowns? No.
Do you like cheerleaders? I dislike them more than clowns
Do you like preps? eh
Have you ever had heat stroke? no...?
Do you like going to the beach? eh.
Who is the last person you went to the beach with? Hmmm... I couldn't tell yeah.
Who is the last person you went to the movies with? Megan
Do you hear voices? Yes... it's from my TV.
Do you see dead people? No.
Do you like to blow bubbles? Eh.
Have you ever eaten any bubbles? They make candy bubbles.
Do you like unicorn horns? Just the horns? no.
Don’t they taste good? What?
Do you like candy apples? Yes
Do you like cotton candy? Delicious!
Do you enjoy fairs? I end up spending way too much on a game to win a prize that costs less than what I paid to play.
Do you like playing with fire? I'm sure if given more opprotunities, I could have become a little pyro.
Have you ever been in an ambulance? nope
Have you ever had stitches? yes
Have you ever had any ex-rays? How do you spell "x-rays" wrong?! Yes.
Ever had to have surgery? Yes.
Who or what were you named after? No one.
What is in your nightstand draw? Lots of things!!! Snail-mail supplies, cds, random docs...
What is your favorite scent? fresh baked cookies. boys also smell good too...sometimes.
What is your favorite perfume? Smelly by Kelly!!! I like bottles with a puffer. That's cool
What is your favorite store? New York & Co.
Where did you get your clothes you are wearing? Disneyland and Santa.
Do you like to go to the mall? Not really.
What do you fear? Failure and being completely alone
What did you have for supper? Tacos
What is your full birth day? October 1st, 1986
At what time were you born? 12:59am
How old are you? You can't do the math? 21. Geez I have to do everything for you!
Where do you currently live? Pacifica, CA
Do you live near the coast? This IS the coast.
What is your favorite month? October
What is your favorite season? Christmas
What is your favorite holiday? Halloween
What is your favorite time of day? Afternoon
What is your lucky number? 14
What is your favorite food? Pasta
What is your favorite non alcoholic drink? Soda
What is your favorite alcoholic drink? hmmm... Daquris
What is your favorite band? I'm diggin' Panic at the Disco right now.
What is your favorite kind of music? All kinds. I HATE country and hard core rap.What is your favorite color/s? Orange
Did you enjoy this survey? It did pass some time.